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I love babies, I really do. I want to have a few babies. I just fucking rock at taking care of babies, if they don’t cry and shit their pants. A couple of years ago my uncle got married and they had this kid, I don’t know if you can call her a baby, she was about 3 years old. Anyway she was at that age when they can walk and say a few words like mum mum, pee and ummm… shit after I taught her. Anyway her parents were working in Singapore so we had to take care of her for about a month or two until her mom quit her job to take care of her full time. We’ll call my little cousin BabyPoop. One on my aunty stays with us and is suppose to take care of BabyPoop but every morning for 2 hours she would go to the market to buy food and stuff. So at about 8, my aunty would drop BabyPoop in my room so she can give me 2 hours of fucking hell. Let me tell you a little something about BabyPoop, she’s fucking cute. I love her to bits. My ex-girlfriend loves her to bits and considering I do a damn good job at taking care of BabyPoop 2 hours a day for 2 months she wanted to have a baby of our own but that’s another story. BabyPoop is easily amused by things with buttons like my mobile phone, calculators, the TV remote and other shit. However she doesn’t play anything for more than 5 minutes. She cannot stay at one place for more than 5 minutes.

After 3 days of taking care of her I’ve came up with a plan to keep her amused for 2 hours until my aunty came back. I have this sleeping problem at night that makes me get up at odd hours of the morning then falling asleep again. So during my college days I could sleep up till 1 or 2 PM. So basically from 8 till noon, that’s hardcore sleeping time. Beside my bed there is a table. On this table I lined up a bunch of shit that would keep BabyPoop busy for 2 hours:

Telephone, mobile phone, Scientific Calculator, normal Calculator, amplifier remote and a TV remote

All I had to do was give her 1 item at a time and rotate it. But then there was a problem. She had to move from my bed to the floor then back up the bed again, this would continue for 2 hours with 10 minute intervals. She is about the height of my bed plus mattress but some how she managed to learn to climb up and down my bed. On this day I was particularly tired so I put her on the side of the bed that was beside the table. So she could reach for the stuff by herself. This didn’t turn out well. She only stayed amused for 5 seconds per item. When she got bored she hit me on the fucking head with the items. This pissed me off. She would get off my bed and go over to my computer and bang on the keyboard, that was her ultimate “toy”. It had the most buttons. It doesn’t matter how cute or how much I loved a person, NOBODY fucks with my computer, its my wife. Let me explain, when I don’t have a chick the computer supplies me with endless naked women. When I’m bored I can play games on it. When I’m on my computer I don’t have to drink, bath, eat or shit. Well occasionally maybe go down to refill my booze.

Anyway back to the story, so I picked BabyPoop up and put her on the bed in between the wall and I. Well the right side of my bed is a wall and the left side is the table. So anyway BabyPoop doesn’t mind, I pass her her toys when she gets bored and hit me on the head with the toys. I cover my head with my sheets to shield my head and she’s not happy. She thinks I’m not there, she keeps calling my name and starts crying. Ah shit, I hate it when babies cry. I pull my sheets down and she starts giggling again and hitting my head. That also explains why I’m such a retard, permanent brain damage from the continuous bashing on the head with a hard object. I must have gone into a 2 hour coma or something cause I forgot what really happened. I know she got pissed I didn’t pass her her toys every 10 minutes so she started jumping around my bed.

BabyPoop is a very determined baby, if she wants something she would climb, jump, cry and probably kill to get it. I was a barrier in between her and her toys. Putting her baby brains to work she finally found a solution, sit on my face and reach out to get the toys. Obviously happy from mastering her new skills she started jumping on my bed and clapping her hands. Naturally I shake my leg when I sleep so her jumping didn’t bother me. BabyPoop is like Spiderman or something, she could climb and cling on to anything and not fall down. So as she climbed over my face to get her toys it didn’t worry me that she would fall.

Then something happened… Something that would change my life forever about babies… I shot up my bed and just sat there. BabyPoop became hyper active cause she thought I was awake and ready to play with her. She started jumping like a fucking monkey, she even tried to climb on my head. Cute, it was really just fucking cute. But there was something troubling me, what’s that fucking smell. It smelled awful. It smelled like shit. I grabbed BabyPoop and put her on the floor and decided what to do. I had this conversation with her:

Fawked: you do not SHIT on my watch ok

BabyPoop: goo goo ga ga

Fawked: babies only know how to eat and shit, that’s all you do

BabyPoop: *gigggle*

Fawked: damn shit

BabyPoop: sit

Fawked: what?

BabyPoop: sit

Fawked: no its shit *pointing to her ass*, shit

BabyPoop: *touching her ass* shit shit

Fawked: yea shit, shit smells

Great she decided to take a shit while on my watch. There are a few things that I don’t do while baby sitting and that includes baths, wiping ass and changing dirty diapers. Just as I was deciding what to do with BabyPoop my auntie came home. I was fucking glad, I carried her down stairs and told my auntie to clean her up. I went back to my room to continue my ssleep… but some how God was laughing his ass off while watching a reality movie called “Fuck with Fawked”. As I lay on my bed and got ready to fall asleep again, the smell of shit was still strong. Then my worst fear became reality. Just as I was about to check my bed for poop nuggets my auntie came busting in my room and we had this conversation:

Auntie: there was shit all over her legs, what did you do

Fawked: shit on her legs?

Auntie: yea, the shit came out of her diapers

Fawked: fuck, she was jumping just now

Auntie: haha, your room smells like shit

Fawked: fuck! there’s shit on my bed

Auntie: take your sheets off, we need to wash em

Fawked: this fucking sucks

Auntie: what the hell… there’s shit on your face

Fawked: WHAT? how can there be shit on my…

Auntie: how did you get shit on your face?

Fawked: fuck! she was sitting on my face to get the fucking remotes on the table

Auntie: hahahahahahaha

Fawked: shit…

BabyPoop: shit shit *giggles*

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