I just rock at taking care of babies. A couple of years go my uncle got married and they had this kid, I don’t know if you can call her a baby, she was about 3 I think. Anyway she was at that age when they can walk and say a few words like mum mum, pee and shit after I taught her. Anyway her parents were working in Singapore so we had to take care of her for about a month or two until her mom quit her job to take care of her full time. We’ll call my little cousin BabyPoop.
One of my aunty stays with us and she was going to take care of BabyPoop, but every morning for 2 hours she would go to the market to buy food and stuff. So at about 8, my aunty would drop BabyPoop in my room so she can give me 2 hours of hell. BabyPoop is easily amused with buttoned things like my cell phone, calculators, the TV remote, etc etc. However she doesn’t play anything for more than 2 minutes. She cannot stay at one place for more than 5 minutes. After 3 days of taking care of her I’ve came up with a plan to keep her amused for 2 hours until my aunty came back.
I used to have this sleeping problem at night that makes me get up at odd hours of the morning then falling asleep again. So during my college days I could sleep up till 1 or 2PM. So basically from 8 to noon, that’s hardcore sleeping time. There is a table by my bed. On this table I lined up a bunch of stuff that would keep BabyPoop busy for 2 hours: Telephone, Cell phone, Scientific Calculator, normal Calculator, amplifier remote and TV remote. All I had to do was give her 1 item at a time. But then there was a problem. She had to move from my bed to the floor then back up the bed again, this would continue for 2 hours with 10 minute intervals. She is about the height of my bed but some how she managed to learn to climb up and down my bed. One day when I was particularly tired I put her on the side of the bed that was beside the table. So she could reach for the stuff by herself. This didn’t turn out well.
She only stayed amused for 5 seconds per item. When she got bored she hit me on the head with the items. That pissed me off. She would get off my bed and go over to my computer and bang on the keyboard, that was her ultimate “toy”. It had the most buttons. It doesn’t matter how cute or how much I love you, NOBODY messes with my computer. So I picked BabyPoop and put her on the bed in between the wall and me. Well the right side of my bed is a wall and the left side is a table. So anyway BabyPoop doesn’t mind, I pass her the toys and when she gets bored and hit me on the head with the toys. I cover my head with my sheets to shield my head, she’s not happy. She thinks I’m not there, she keeps calling my name and starts crying. I hate it when babies cry. I pull my sheets down and she starts giggling again and hitting my head. That also explains why I’m such a retard, permanent brain damage from continuous bashing on the head with a hard object.
I must have gone into a 2 hour coma or something cause I forgot what really happened. I know she got pissed I didn’t pass her her toys every 10 minutes so she started jumping around my bed. BabyPoop is a very determined baby, if she wants something she would climb, jump, cry and probably kill to get it. I was a barrier in between her and her toys. Putting her baby brains to work she finally found a solution, sit on my face and reached out to get the toys. Obviously happy from mastering her new skills she started jumping on my bed and clapping her hands.
Naturally I shake my leg when I sleep so her jumping doesn’t bother me. BabyPoop is like Spiderman, she could climb and cling on to anything and not fall down. So as she climbed over my face to get her toys it didn’t worry me that she would fall. Then something happened… Something that would change my perception forever about babies… I shot up my bed and just sat there.
BabyPoop became hyper active because she thought I was awake and ready to play with her. She started jumping like a monkey, she even tried to climb on my head. Cute, it was really cute. But there was something troubling me, a smell to be particular. It smelled awful. It smelled like shit. I grabbed BabyPoop and put her on the floor and decided what to do. I had this conversation with her:
Fawked: you do not shit on my watch ok?
BabyPoop: goo goo ga ga
Fawked: I don’t deal with diapers and shit.
BabyPoop: *gigggle*
Fawked: damn the shit smells
BabyPoop: sit
Fawked: what?
BabyPoop: sit
Fawked: no its shit *pointing to her ass*, shit
BabyPoop: *touching her ass* shit shit
Fawked: yea shit
Just as I was deciding what to do with BabyPoop my auntie came home. I was glad, I carried her down stairs and told my auntie to clean her up. I went back to my room to continue my slumber… but some how God was laughing his ass off while watching a reality movie called “Fawked Got His Ass Punked”. As I laid on my bed and got ready to fall asleep again, the smell of shit was still strong. Then my worst fear became reality. Just as I was about to check my bed for poop nuggets my auntie came busting in my room and we had this conversation:
Auntie: there was shit all over her legs, what did you do
Fawked: shit on her legs?
Auntie: yea, the shit came out of her diapers
Fawked: she was jumping around just now
Auntie: your room smells like shit
Fawked: Damnit, theres shit on my bed
Auntie: …and on your face too
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