Fawked Network

An epic adventure inspired by the Lord of the Rings. I have promised my friends that I will come up with my version of the story. So after a very very very long time, here it is. Book 1: The Fellowship of the Roti.

Note: Some of you complained why I’m playing Aragorn. That’s because I made this story up! So I get to play the hero. The next guy that complains gets to be the big black orc that I will kill with my Divine Rapier, I mean Anduril!

Note: This story is inspired by the book, not the movie. In the movie some parts were missing especially the singing and such.

It was a typical Saturday night. Cool and breezy. Like every Saturday nights we were out getting wasted. This night was no different. What we did not know was that tonight, our lives would be changed forever.

Aragorn Fawk: Yooo man! I’m wasted man!

Letgogas Bullet: Hehe, yea man… teee-hehehe I love you man!

Gamli Luk Got: I’m hungry.

Sam Sammi: Yea man, me too. I need to eat!

Flodo Match: Shut up slave!

Gandolf Aura: I want to vomit.

Flodo Match: Lets go to mamak.

Aragorn Fawk: I want to eat bak kut teh!

Flodo Match: Screw you! Bak kut teh freak!

Sam Sammi: Bak kut teh is fattening.

Letgogas Bullet: Everyday eat bak kut teh

Pippin YF: Botak you sucks!

Aragorn Fawk: Hey my name is Aragorn ok? And I’m not getting bald… its the lighting.

Merry Onn: Let’s go already!

After much arguing we left the disco and proceeded to a mamak stall. In our drunken stupor driving skills we got there in no time. We scrambled out of the car and proceeded to get our food.

Sam Sammi: Dei! Vangra!

Mamak: Ey, macha. Tani? Sapede?

Sam Sammi: Fried maggi.

Mamak: Woh kay. Dei macha you?

Aragorn Fawk: Bak kut teh.

Mamak: Dei, poh dah. No bak kut teh here, you think this your amma’s shop ah?

Letgogas Bullet: Fried maggi mee kurang pedas.

Aragorn Fawk: Hey mamak watch your mouth, I have the sword called Anduril I will cut you up!

Mamak: Hey pundek, put your kunji away before I cut it off, wokay?

Gandolf Aura: Maggi soup.

Mamak: Woh kay macha.

Gandolf Aura: I want to vomit… help…

Mamak: Dei, macha. Pundek pana, you don’t vomit here wokay? Go to the toilet

Gamli Luk Got: Fried mee, double size.

Flodo Match: Two roti!

Mamak: Macha, what roti you want?

Flodo Match: Got any special roti?

Mamak: Sure macha, we got roti special, very special indeed.

Our food came and we started eating and talking. Like in every other Lord of the Rings eating scenes there had to be a song. So I stood on the table and let one out to the tune of She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. I included a YouTube version of their song so you can sing along to my lyrics:

Beauty queen of only 80 she,
Had some trouble with herself,
I was always there to help her she,
Always belonged to someone else,
I drove for miles and miles and wound up at the club,
I f**ked you so many times but some how I want more.

I don’t mind spending everyday,
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be f**ked
And she will be f**ked oh oh

Tap on my window knock on my door 
I didn’t mean to cheat on you 
I know I tend to get with other girls
Doesn’t matter anymore
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise it moves us along yea
My heart is full and my pants always open
And you can come anytime you want oh yea

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be f**ked
And she will be f**ked oh oh
And she will be f**ked
And she will be f**ked oh oh

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
With another guy s**king his c**k
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and make me catch her every time she’s drunk yea yea
Tap on my zip knock on my ass
I want to make you feel pleasure

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be f**ked
And she will be f**ked oh oh
And she will be f**ked
And she will be f**ked oh oh

Aragorn Fawk: I would like to dedicate this song to all the ladies out there…

Flodo: Shut the hell up dude! There’s something wrong with my roti…

Aragorn Fawk: You shut up. There’s nothing wrong with the roti. You’re just drunk.

Flodo Match: No… really. It tastes like… Like durian.

Gamli Luk Got: Wah…

Letgogas Bullet: Ooh la la

Aragorn Fawk: Dei mamak! Come here, what kind of roti is this?

Mamak: Roti special macha

Flodo Match: Who made this?

Mamak: The maker just left for his hometown. He stays in Iraq. He fell in the drain just now and he lost his memory

Aragorn Fawk: What does he remember?

Mamak: Nothing!

Flodo Match: Does he remember how to make roti durian?

Mamak: I’m afraid not macha.

Flodo Match: We have to look for the maker and help him remember how to make the roti durian.

Letgogas Bullet: Iraq el Mordor… Land of no alcohol, gambling and entertainment… Land of the dead! The land taken by the Infidels!

Gamli Luk Got: The very air that you breathe is enough to kill you!

Letgogas: Because they have weapons of mass destruction and sarin gas!

Aragorn Fawk: A very dangerous mission in deed…

Flodo Match: Guys. We have to find this roti special maker. It’s really delicious!

Aragorn Fawk: It will be a very perilous journey.

Letgogas: Who is going to go? Who will carry the burden of the roti?

Gamli Luk Got: I will carry the roti!

Aragorn Fawk: No you won’t. You will just eat it.

Flodo Match: I will carry the roti.

Aragorn Fawk: Ok, we will need a slave to carry our stuff. He has to be big and strong.

Sam Sammi: Why are you guys looking at me? Are you making me the slave?!

Aragorn: Stop whining, you’re going.

Gandolf Aura: Do I have to go?

Aragorn Fawk: Yeah you have to go.

Gandolf Aura: But why!

Aragorn Fawk: Tell you later, you will be useful later… Your destiny will be revealed to you on our journey into the unknown…

Gandolf Aura: Ok!

Gamli Luk Got: Can I go…

Aragorn Fawk: ummm ok you can go, but only if you drive.

Gamli: No way… I’m not driving. I don’t want to go then.

Gandolf Aura: Our journey to Iraq will have to pass through the perilous trail up Mount Caradras de Genting.

Gamli Luk Got: Did you say Genting? Ok I’m down with that. I’ll go.

Sam Sammi: Ok lets pack up our stuff and get going.

Aragorn Fawk: Ok listen up. Gandolf and I will meet you guys at Prancing Dolphin.

Flodo Match: What the hell man, that place sucks. Only old man go there.

Gandolf Aura: Spies will follow us, that will be last place they will think we’ll go.

Aragorn Fawk: Flodo, Legogay, Sam and Gamli will pack us some food. Gandolf and I will go get other important stuff.

Letgogas: What are you gonna get?

Aragorn Fawk: A few bottles of Vodka, a few cartons of cigarettes and a few crates of Corona.

Letgogas: Ok. Lets move out.

Flodo Match: I will pack up this un-eaten roti durian to remind the maker later.

Mamak: this my friends is the Fellowship of the Roti!

Aragorn Fawk: dei mamak what is your name?

Mamak: My name if Glofindel the Elf Lord owner of Mamak Rivendale!

Aragorn Fawk: Yea right, Elves are suppose to be white, not black.

Mamak: Dei pundek, watch your mouth, my father in India got an Elf wife so I’m mixed ok.

Aragorn Fawk: Oh, so you’re a  Hindraf? I mean Indelf.

Pippin YF: Hey everybody group photo, I want to test my new Canon EOS 420!

Merry Onn: Let’s go already! According to my Casio Protrek we don’t have much time!

We went our separate ways. Nothing notable happened to Gandolf Aura and Aragorn Fawk on their journey to the Prancing Dolphin. The roti bearers team wasn’t as lucky. Hot on their trail were seven Roti Wraith Mamak Midgets. They wanted to steal the roti so they could make their Roti Durian and rule the world with the mamak stalls.

Letgogas Bullet: that Mr. Bean car has been trailing us since we left the mamak.

Flodo Match: I see them… Step on it.

Gamli Luk Got: I’m trying!

Flodo Match: Shit! Ditch the car! Ditch it, hide in the bushes.

Pippin YF: Should have drove my Honda Civic Vtec can go faster than your Toyota!

Gamli Luk Got parked his car and they jumped out of the car to hid in the bushes.

Letgogas Bullet: LOOK! Shrooms man!

Sam Sammi: w00t! We going to get high man! Grab some.

Merry Onn: Drugs are bad mmmkay!

Flodo Match: Shut the up guys, the midgets might hear us.

A little while had passed and they were on their way again. Nothing much happened except they got a little bit high on the shrooms. They reached the Prancing Dolphin soon after.

Aragorn Fawk: what took you guys so long?

Flodo Match: Mamak midgets are after us.

Aragorn Fawk: Should have known…

Flodo Match: and we got stoned on some shrooms hehe.

They got into Gamli Luk Got’s car and started their journey to Mount Caradras de Genting. Mount Caradras de Genting proofed to be a very difficult route.

Gamli Luk Got: We… we… we… have to turn back!

Gandolf Aura: We have to try!

Aragorn Fawk: The cold is killing me!

Letogas Bullet: Turn back!

Gamli Luk Got: My car is under powered, it wont go up the mountain, we must turn back and go through the Mines of Moria Batu Caves.

Gandolf Aura: We cannot go through Mines of Moria Batu Caves. The mamak midgets have a lot of friends there!

Aragorn Fawk: We have no choice.

Gandolf Aura: Fine… let the roti bearer decide.

Flodo Match: We take the road through the Mines of Moria Batu Caves.

They re-routed and went for Batu Caves. Batu Caves would lead them straight to Lothlorien Langkawi but it would be very dangerous. The mamak midgets had many friends at Batu Caves. If they survived Batu Caves, they could reach Lothlorien Langkawi to restock their stuff. Lothlorien Langkawi is duty free, booze are dirt cheap. When they reached Batu Caves they noticed that that was no place for a car. They had to abandon their ride and walk.

Gandolf Aura: A cave is no place for a car.

Gamli Luk Got: *wuwuwuw*

Aragorn Fawk: Stop crying like a baby.

Gandolf Aura: The cave door is closed. We need a password to get in.

Aragorn Fawk: This will take all night, I need a beer.

Flodo Match: Me too, give me a beer.

Sam Sammi: Where’s the bottle opener?

Aragorn Fawk: We don’t have one.

Sam Sammi: Then how are we going to open it? Idiota de la puta!

Aragorn Fawak: This is where Gandolf Aura comes in handy. Gandolf! Use your teeth

Gandolf Aura: I hate you…

A couple of hours later they were in the caves. It was dark. While they were walking they heard a sound…

Aragorn Fawk: What was that.

Letgogas Bullet: Friends of the midgets!

Flodo Match: RUN!

Sam Sammi: Help! I can’t run fast cause I’m fat!

It was Thaipusam and the caves were filled with people. There were thousands of people in the cave and they were angry their turf has been desecrated.

Aragorn Fawk: RUN FOR YOUR LIFES!

Sam Sammi: *wuwuwuwuuwuw* I can’t run fast enough!

Gandolf Aura: They even have a Cave Troll named Mary!

Flodo Match: Help! The cave troll got me!

Aragorn Fawk: What is the troll trying to do to Flodo?

Sam Sammi: Looks like the troll is trying to hump him.

Aragorn Fawk un-sheathed his Divine Rapier and shouted "Let go of Flodo! Or feel the wrath of my +250 damage blade!". The cave troll didn’t give any reply. Only then did Aragorn Fawk notice that the cave troll didn’t have any ears. There was no time to waste, Flodo was about to get butt f**ked by Mary. Aragorn Fawk jumped towards Mary with his sword raised, “KAAAA MEHHHH HAMEH HAAAAAAAAA”. With a swift strike of his Divine Rapier Aragorn Fawk sliced off Mary’s c**k. Mary screamed in pain and dropped Flodo, picked up his severed c**k and ran for his life.

Aragorn Fawk: That’s right! You better run! Before I shove that little weener up where the sun don’t shine!

Wasting no time the fellowship started to run away. The fellowship had quite a good distance from the pursuers when suddenly a new terror came out from the dark…

Gamli Luk Got: What the f**k is that…

Aragorn Fawk: Looks like a flaming dog…

Gandolf Aura: A Baldog!

Letgogas: RUNN!!!!

Sam Sammi: *wuwuwuwuwuw* I can’t run fast enough.

Aragorn Fawk: Stand and fight lets kick his ass!

Gandolf Aura: What is wrong with you, always fighting. We should be more civilized and negotiate with him.

Aragorn Fawk: Ok you go ahead and talk to him, we’re getting out of here. We’ll see you in Langkawi

Gandolf Aura: Fine… quick cross the bridge. I’ll talk to him at the middle of the bridge.

Aragorn Fawk: Good luck my friend.

Gandolf Aura stood at the middle of the bridge while the rest of the party escaped.

Gandolf Aura: STOP!

Baldog: Hmm?

Gandolf Aura: I am Gandolf Aura! Keeper of the Council of Cricket Fire Lighters!

Baldog: Wahhahahaha

Gandolf Aura: Identify yourself!

Balrog: I am Stankonia the Baldog!

Gandolf Aura: What kind of stupid name is Stankonia?

Baldog: Lets fight!

Gandolf Aura: ok, no punching below the belt and pulling hair.

Baldog: No biting with your big teeth!

Aragorn Fawk: way to go Gandolf! Round 1 FIGHT!

Gandolf: Get out of here already!

While the party escaped, the Baldog and Gandolf went into a duel 1 on 1. Baldog had a flaming c**k and Gandolf had a Lolipop Wand. The fight didn’t last long. Because of the weight of the Balrog the bridge gave way and the Baldog fell. The party cheered at the victory of Gandolf. However our celebrations were cut short when suddenly a flaming c**k came up from the bottomless pit and caught Gandolf on his teeth and dragged Gandolf down the bridge into the abyss. Not giving up Gandolf held on to the half broken bridge like a true champion.

Flodo Match: we must help him!

Letgogas: We have not time… he knew the risks.

Sam Sammi: You guys go help him, I’ll wait here.

Aragorn Fawk: I have to help him because I’m the Hero!

Before I could reach to help Gandolf, his weak arms gave way and he fell into the bottomless pit along with the Baldog. Aragorn Fawk shrieked in agony "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Gandolf!…. Who the is going to open my beer bottles from now on? All is lost…”

The party ran as fast as their legs could carry them. Not long after that the party saw a light at the end of the tunnel and exited the cave.

Sam Sammi: *wuwuwuuwuw*

Flodo Match: *wuwuwuwuuw*

Aragorn Fawk: Shut up and get up. We have to keep moving!

Letgogas: Give them a minute to grief!

After much crying and sobbing the Fellowship of the Roti set out for Lothlorien Langkawi without their bottle opener beloved Gandolf Aura.

Gamli Luk Got: The roti durian stinks!

Letgogas: Not as smelly as you!

Merry Onn: Both of you are smelly. Letgogas stop farting so much! The forest of Lothlorien Langkawi have noses…

Gamli Luk Got: I smell as nice as a babies butt.

Galadriel: Who goes there? I can smell your party a mile away.

Aragorn Fawk: We come in peace.

The nice people of Lothlorien Langkawi gave the fellowship canoes and as much liquor as they could carry. A side story of what happened with Aragorn Fawk and Sam Sammi can be found here.

Before the fellowship departed from Lothlorien Langkawi, Galadriel gave each of them a gift that will prove useful in their journey:

Flodo Match: The LSD – A small crystal bottle of liquid, it contains Lysergic Acid Diethylamide from the water of Galadriel’s fountain.

Sam Sammi- Elven Rope – This rope is much stronger than other rope. It’s main purpose is to be used as a skipping rope. Sam also receives a small box of DVD’s with a silver G-rune on the lid; the box contains DVD’s from Galadriel’s personal gym video collection.

Merry Onn and Pippin YF – Bong – It’s obvious what a bong does.

Aragorn Fawk – Elven Condom – A magical condom, the wearer will have unlimited sexual prowess.

Letgogas – Bow of the Galadhrim with Arrows – A great bow crafted deep in Lothlorien and strung with elf-pubic-hair.

Gamli Luk Got – Three Stands of Galadriel’s armpit hair – Overwhelmed by Galadriel’s great beauty, Gamli could think of nothing else he wanted but a single strand of her armpit hair. Galadriel gave him three because her armpit was so hairy. Gamli wished to encase this gift in imperishable crystal, as an heirloom of his house and a sign of good will between the Dwarves and Elves. He wears the crystal cased armpit hair proudly around his neck.

While they were still in Lothlorien Langkawi enjoying the cheap booze and elven chicks, a dark army is being formed at Isengard lead by Saruman Tanaka.

Saruman Tanaka: I want you to find the roti bearer.

Orc: Why?

Saruman Tanaka: Cause I am your father!

Orc: Then why are you white and I’m black?

Saruman Tanaka: I’m not white I’m yellow.

Orc: Why are you yellow?

Saruman Tanaka: Because I’m Japanese. Now go and don’t fail me. Kanbate!

Orc: But it still doesn’t explain why you’re my dad and I’m black.

Saruman Tanaka: Long story short, there was this one time at Green Elephant and I met this black midget there.

Orc: Was she my mom? What was her name?

Saruman Tanaka: Dark Sexy Chocolate.

Orc: Yamateh action huh?

Not long after the fellowship left Lothlorien they were ambushed by Saruman Tanaka’s orc. A fierce battle ensued. During battle Flodo Match decided he should carry the burden of the roti by himself and decided to go to Iraq on his own.

Sam Sammi: Where are you going?

Flodo Match: I cannot put my brothers in danger, I have to go alone to Iraq.

Sam Sammi: I will go with you.

Flodo Match: No it will be dangerous.

Sam Sammi: Then we shall face the dangers together.

Flodo Match: Do you know the way then?

Sam Sammi: No idea.

Flodo Match: Then you cant go with me.

Sam Sammi: It’s ok my Apple iPhone got GPRS.

Flodo Match: Ok then you can come.

In the heat of battle, Merry Onn and Pippin YF were abducted by the ugly orcs.

Merry Onn: Let go of me!

Orc: Wahaha, you are going to be a slave to Saruman Tanaka, it is no doubt that he will make you his butt sex slave buddies.

Pippin YF: I might actually like that.

With Flodo Match and Sam Sammi gone on their own, Merry Onn and Pippin YF abducted, Gandolf Aura lost in the abyss, the Fellowship of the Roti disbanded. Will the heroes fulfill their destiny? Will they find the roti maker? Will they survive?

To be continued in the second part: The Two Durian Trees

Notes:

du-ri-an

–noun

1.
the edible fruit of a tree, Durio zibethinus, of the bombax family, of southeastern Asia, having a hard, prickly rind, a highly flavored, pulpy flesh, and an unpleasant odor.

2.
the tree itself.

Also, du-ri-on.

Origin:
1580–90; < Malay: a fruit with spiky skin, equiv. to duri thorn + -an nominalizer suffix

Ro-ti ca-nai

1.
(pronounced "chanai," not "kanai") is a type of flatbread found in Malaysia, often sold in Mamak stalls. It is known as roti prata in Singapore, and is a close descendant of Kerala porotta.

Ma-mak

1.
Also referred to as mapley, is a type of food establishment which serves mamak food. In Malaysia, the term mamak refers to Tamil Muslims, who generally own and operate them. Although traditionally operated from roadside stalls, some modern mamak stall operators have expanded their businesses into restaurant or cafe-type establishments. Mamak stalls tend to be popular among Malaysian youths as hang out spots, due to cheap food and beverages being served as well as being open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.