Initially this blog entry was titled “P1 Wimax Bill Waived Because of Down Time” but I changed it to “I Hate Streamyx” instead. I started typing and I couldn’t stop.

I was playing my PSP when all of a sudden I get this stupid SMS from P1 Wimax. If you don’t know what P1 Wimax is, well its Malaysia’s first wireless Internet provider!! (Sounding really dramatic).

So what’s new? If you live in Malaysia and if you have Internet this is something of a routine. Internet goes down every couple of days. For the past I don’t know how many fucking years we only had one fucking Internet service provider = TM Nut aka Totally Monkeyfucking Nut. The broadband service is called Streamyx.

We need more ISP (Internet Service Provider) competition in the country. The kind of service we are getting totally sucks compared to other countries.

Let me just ramble on a bit. Currently we have download speeds up to 4Mb for home use. Wow awesome 4Mb line. Now check this, for a 4Mb line it’s going to cost me a fucking RM268 a month. Even if I could afford a 4Mb line, what the fuck am I going to do with it?

I can’t download shit from Bittorrent cause they blocked that shit. I can’t set up any servers or anything cause the upload is a shitty 512kbps. So what the fuck can I possibly do with my super unlimited blazing speed Internet?

NOTHING! That’s the fucking answer. I can watch YouTube just fine on my stupid fucking 1Mbps line. And my 1Mbps line isn’t even 1Mbps, its more like:

It’s not even 1Mbps. Look at the stars on the ISP ranking. It’s a shitty 2.5 star ranking which is equivalent to the type of broadband homeless people use. So I give them a call and ask them why the fuck is my line not 1Mbps and they will say the same shit always. I swear to you, it’s the same shit they will say every time. Try and call for yourself.

• Fawked: Why is my line not 1Mbps?
• Tmnut: Sir your line is 1Mbps.
• Fawked: No I tested it, its not.
• Tmnut: Did you test it on our site?
• Fawked: No.
• Tmnut: That’s why its showing you the wrong speed. Also during peak hours your line maybe slower cause more people are using.
• Fawked: And did you block torrent downloads?
• Tmnut: No sir, we have no idea what you are talking about.

First of all I think everybody uses speedtest.net to test their Internet speed. Second of all I tested my Internet speed at 1.33am. It doesn’t get any more un-peak than that mother fucker.

So it brings me back to the question of what can I do with my super high speed Internet? I’m being sarcastic about the super high speed if you haven’t figured that out by now. Even with my shitty 1Mbps package I can watch YouTube just fine and I can play online games without problems. So why would I want to pay Tm.nut for more speed at an outrageous price? Here’s the goddamn kicker ok:

WE DON’T NEED MORE SPEED TO SURF WEB PAGES YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER. WE CAN SURF PAGES JUST FINE WITH DIAL UP. WE ONLY NEED MORE SPEED TO DOWNLOAD MOVIES AND MP3s ILLEGALLY.

This blog entry was suppose to be very short and simple. But I guess after more than 10 years of holding it inside of me, I couldn’t take it anymore. The quality and standard of our Internet Service Providers totally fucking suck. The price is cut throat and the quality is worse than shit.

We need more ISP’s in Malaysia. At least 2 or 3 more. Even a little island like Singapore has a few ISPs. But I heard if you download illegal shit in Singapore they bust your ass.

Ok I think I’m about done here. A couple of hours after I got the first SMS from P1 Wimax I received another one:

Will you check that shit out? For a couple of hours down time they waived 1 day in the next bill. Imagine that huh? If I had a day waived for everyday Streamyx was down for the past 10 years, I would have 6 years waived off my fucking bill.

Actually that was all I wanted to say. But it kinda turned out to be a “I Hate Streamyx” blog entry. Don’t think P1 Wimax is without its flaws, I tested that shit as soon as the service reached my area and it was even worse than Streamyx so I’m still stuck with Streamyx. But at least they have the courtesy to send an SMS and waive the bill.

When I watched Beyond a Reasonable Doubt it was not ranked at Rotten Tomatoes yet. Either that or it was ranked 0%. The movie started really good. I was really enjoying myself thoroughly. It had everything to be a very good movie. Somehow it felt like watching Gone Baby Gone ( a very very good movie). But I was oh so wrong.

If I were to give this movie a rating of 10 I would give it an 8 for the first 1 hour 20 minutes. For the last 15 minutes I would rate it a negative four billion nine hundred thousand and fifty two. That was how bad the ending was.

The movie starred Michael Douglas (we all know Michael Douglas), Amber Tamblyn (We don’t know her, she looks familiar but not famous) and Jesse Metcalfe (starred as John Tucker in John Tucker Must Die). You won’t really get to see much of Michael Douglas in this movie mainly because I think he’s really old and he doesn’t have much energy to act. I wouldn’t blame the man, he’s married to Catherine Zeta Jones.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt is about an investigative report (Jesse Metcalfe) investigating the DA’s office for tampering with evidence to get convictions. In order to prove his point, Jesse frames himself in a murder. He did it in such a way that the evidence was not enough to convict him forcing Michael to tamper with the evidence. Bla bla bla.

Now imagine this. Imagine Beyond a Reasonable Doubt as a really really hot and sexy lady (or man if you prefer). And you’re having sex for the first time (it’s always better the first time). The sex is so fucking good, you just can’t stop smiling. Then just before you’re about to climax, she farts. Really loud. Really fucking smelly. Not once but twice. Then she tells you, she used to be a man…

That is how fucking bad the ending was. It was awesome right till the end when it ended abruptly. Slight twist, but that’s all that is to it. A slight twist. I preferred Jesse Metcalfe in John Tucker Must Die. He should stick with those kinda movies. Amber should lose some weight and Michael should just stay home with Catherine. No spoiler for this review. Watching this movie is a spoiler on its own; it spoils your day.

A couple of years back while we were having a drink at the mamak stall felt my ass was kinda itchy. I thought an ant bit my ass or something. I started scratching my ass then continued my conversation with my friends. My ass still hurt so I tried wriggling my ass against the chair and took no notice of it.

Soon after my ass felt like it was on fire. When I stood up I saw a whole damn chilli was smashed up on the chair. This was no ordinary chilli, it was a crossbred cheap ass fire chilli. This type of chilli is fucking huge like the normal chilli and its fucking HOT. I was wearing jeans and my ass was burning.

As I stood up, the air must have got into my pants and intensified the burning sensation or something. I tried walking a bit but the fucking pain was un-bearable. I ran into the toilet to put my ass under the tap.

By now the fucking burning sensation reached my nut sack and asshole. I put my ass under the pipe for a good 20 minutes. Let me just tell you, you can’t wash the burn off. It just sooths you momentarily. As soon as you switch the water off, the burning sensation comes back and bites you in the ass.

mamak: hey Fawked you ok?

Fawked: NO I’M NOT. FUCK YOU, FUCKING TAMBI SHIT.

mamak: what’s up?

Fatboi: he sat on a chilli.

mamak: HAHAHAHA.

Fawked: I’m going to beat your ass, you asshole.

mamak: HAHAHAHA.

The morale of this story is always check your seat. You don’t want to accidentally sit on this Hell Vegetable they call the overgrown chilli padi. My balls and asshole was burning for a good 5 hours. It’s a good thing my balls still produce good quality Grade A sperm.

This is a very old but very funny video of Ali-G fucking around with the Beckhams. This guy is really good. And the Beckhams just sit there and take his shit.

Surrogates. The latest Bruce Willis movie. If I remember correctly the last movie I watch that he acted in was Die Hard 4.0. Die Hard was a super awesome movie. I enjoyed it thoroughly. But Surrogates… it was alright. I’ve seen worse. Rotten Tomatoes rating was 48% on Malaysia’s open day and today it’s down to 40%. I guess it would hover around 35% to 40%.

I’m not much of a robot-look-like-human movie fan. Terminator was alright. Surrogates didn’t really have a plot and it reminded me too much of the movie I, Robot.

I, Robot was slightly better than Surrogates. In I, Robot humans buy these slave like robots from a super huge corporation to do our deeds. In Surrogates humans buy robots that they can control to do their deeds.

Basically you hook up that fancy Star Trek thingy to your head like Mr. Bruce Willis up there and you just have to think what you want to do and the surrogate does it.

That’s Bruce’s  surrogate by the way. Blonde hair and cleaner looking too. I noticed in the movie he was quite expressionless because he wants to have sex with his wife but his wife wants him to fuck her surrogate instead.

His wife is played by the lovely Rosamund Pike. She is just so hot. That’s a surrogate by the way. The Rosamund Pike controlling that surrogate is fucking ugly so I don’t think I’ll post a picture of that. The black guy is Boris Kodjoe. He’s black but some how he has a Russian name… Anyway Boris plays Bruce’s Police captain.

Rosamund works as a plastic surgeon in the movie. And I literally mean a plastic surgeon. A surrogate could get whatever they want done, face lift, bigger nose, etc etc.

The chick is Bruce’s partner, Radha Mitchell. Another hotty. Not as hot as Rosamund Pike though. In the picture above they are investigating a murder. Some evil dude has this plasma like gun that looks like a barcode scanner that fries up a surrogates microchip and kills the controller as well.

So the movie is about Bruce trying to solve the mystery as to who the murderer is. The plot is a little bit too simple. I felt the story writer put too much effort trying to make the movie different than I, Robot. So much so Surrogates became a sloppy “catch the killer” movie. The story line moved too fast and not much of a plot.

The movie ended up like that lady on the right. She ran out of battery half way so she’s docking at one of the many “Quickvolt” docking booths along the street to recharge. The difference with the movie was it failed to recharge my excitement.

I just thought I’d include that guys picture in here. He doesn’t use a surrogate. They call non surrogate users Meat Bags. But looks more like a Meat Ball to me. Anyway he can’t use a surrogate cause they didn’t have surrogates for his size. It would cost too much to make a surrogate that big.

If you don’t want to know what happen in the end then your read stops here. Continue if you want to know what happens in the end. But you can already guess what happens in most sloppy catch-the-killer movies.

← SHOW SPOILER →

The killer is actually the fat guy. He’s pissed everybody has a hot surrogate. He is angry because once he tried to fuck a hot surrogate chick and he got electrocuted and all his pubes fell off. That’s why he keeps that pubic looking goatee to remind him how it feels like to have pubic hair.

In the end Bruce Willis finds out the truth. Kills the bad guy and saves the day. After that he disconnected all the surrogates from their users. Then for the next 15 minutes you get to watch the disabled surrogates fall to the ground around the world.

Thats Rosamund disabled…

After watching that movie it got me thinking. What if we have this technology in the future? It would be totally screwed up. I think I would prefer to be in the flesh when I do stuff especially while fucking? Anyway if everybody got one I want one too. And I know perfectly how I want my surrogate to be. I want mine to look like that:

← SHOW SPOILER →

I’m balding so its only natural that I choose a bald surrogate. If you’re wondering who that chick is, that’s Olga Kurylenko. I’ll use her as my surrogate maid. Olga is hotter than Rosamund by the way.