Fawked Network

I assume that most people hate getting junk mail. I know I hate getting junk mail. They always want to sell you some shit you don’t need like penis enlargement meds and shit. Gmail is awesome cause 99% of the junk mail goes into the spam box automatically. Occasionally one of two slips through and goes into your inbox, but then, if you see its a name you don’t recognize you know its spam. With a click of a button the spam is gone for good. Won’t taking you more than two seconds.

What I really fucking hate are spam mails that comes through the post. They it make the envelope look fucking official, like you won something after using your credit. An envelope that might look like this…

Since I have a UOB credit card I thought to myself “wow, cool I won something”. Considering the Readers Digest logo is beside the UOB logo perhaps I won’t a years subscription or something. It’s about damned time UOB gave me something back after forcing themselves on me. Cause you see, one day I decided to buy a house and it so happened that the housing loan was by UOB. Then one fine day a mail came for me and inside was a credit card from UOB.

I didn’t want no fucking credit card at that time so I decided to cancel that card. Then the nice customer service person tells me that if I cancel my card, the interest for the house will go up. I was like “WTF”. Nobody told me I had to maintain a fucking credit card when I decided to take the loan with UOB. But I thought it’s ok since I took a housing loan with them perhaps the credit card would be free. Fuck no, I have to use the card six times a year or they will charge me a membership fee. So there you have it. I hate being ill informed and I most definitely hate being force fucked by assholes like UOB.

I turn over the envelop and I see FUNDS AVAILABLE AWAITING IMMEDIATE CLAIM. Awesome shit man! Finally I won something. Now I can finally get that Botox injection I always wanted! I tear open the envelope and I see this…

TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY GRAND! Fucking awesome. I’m fucking rich. So the next thing I do is fine out how to get my money. There were a bunch of other papers in the envelope. As I kept reading, I found out that I actually didn’t win shit. If I wanted to stand a chance to win the two hundred and fifty grand I would have to subscribe to Readers Digest. Then I read this letter that was included…

When I read that letter I was fucking pissed. Who the fuck is this Nazri Othman fella? If they wanted to tell me this wonderful news they could have called me up and I would told them no. Instead they sent me all this crap. If I subscribe they would give me this amazing free gift in the form of a Piercarlo D’Alessio watch. More like a Piece O’Asshole.

Can you believe that shit? That watch cost less than a box of condoms. I am very very disappointed with UOB. My family, we love to read. For half my life we subscribed to Readers Digest. When Readers Digest get your information, you are totally fucked. Whether you are subscribed or not, they will bombard your ass with contests and junk. If there was a survey done to see which company wasted the most paper, Readers Digest would be it. For four weeks in a row after the first letter, Readers Digest sent me letter after letter telling me how close I am to two hundred and fifty grand.

I wonder if they use real people’s name when signing off these letters. I’m wondering cause these idiots must get cursed a lot. In the letter it says I could win a Nintendo Wii set worth RM2,400. A fucking Wii does not cost RM2,400 anymore and I don’t think it ever cost that much. Now a Wii is like RM800 or probably less. If I have to subscribe to Readers Digest to stand a chance of winning the Wii, Benjamin Soh can take the Wii wireless controller and shove it up his ass then try and play virtual tennis with his ass.

Where the fuck is my privacy? UOB has registered me with the biggest spammers in the world without my my consent. We read a lot of shit about scammers calling and sending letters to victims telling them they won a lottery and all they had to do was bank in money to collect the winnings. To me what Readers Digest is doing is almost the same thing. The only difference is I get a scrawny thin little book every month and basically no chance of winning two hundred and fifty grand. If we were going to win anything, we would have won it because for the good 15 years of my life we were Readers Digest subscribers.

So fuck UOB and fuck Readers Digest, their spam mail gave me a false sense of jubilance, I passed out for 2 seconds and hit myself on the edge of my coffee table. I am hurt physically and mentally. My information was passed on to a third party without my consent and now I am being continuously harrased. With a fucking envelope that looks like this…

Somebody must have saw it and passed the word out. Everyday when my family and I come home, and when we get out of the car to open the front gates, we do it in fear. In fear, because robbers think we won some lottery money or some shit and they are around, looking… waiting… We live in fear… In fear of our lives.