As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a fireman. Not just any fireman. I want to be the guy that drives the fire engine. The fire engine is the shit man. Its big, its fast and it has sirens. Get out of my fucking way or I’ll ram your ass mother fucker. I would also like to be the guy that holds the hose. I’m not much of a hero so don’t expect me to break down doors and barge into burning buildings to save your ass. Giving morale support while dousing the fire with my hose is good enough. There was that one particular moment in my life that I really wanted to be a fireman. That moment happened at a faithful lantern festival some 20 over years ago…

I remember I always had a boner 20 hours a day and during that one particular lantern festival instead of lighting up lanterns we would just burn candles and newspapers. Me and my dumb ass friends got too engrossed in making the fire big, so big that it got out of hand. Putting my little toddler brain to work, I took out my cock and started pissing on the fire. From then on I knew that one day I would be a fireman. How very wrong I was. Burning candle wax and pee just don’t mix. It was a good thing I was young and I didn’t have any pubic hair, the fire crackled and jumped up and almost roasted my cock. The fucking thought of getting burnt alive just didn’t sound too nice. So as glorious as being a fireman might sound, the dream of being a fireman died with the fire.

When I went into primary school I was a school prefect. That kinda rocked. So I decided that I wanted to be a policeman. I had this conversation with my dad:

dad: don’t ever take money from students

Fawked: why?

dad: cause its wrong

Fawked: why would I ever wanna do that?

dad: sometimes if they do something bad they will give you money so you wont bust their ass

Fawked: hmmm… I see…

It wasn’t much of an advice, I took it more like a hint. It got out of hand after some time. I started extorting money from innocent kids with the threat I’ll frame them. Shit didn’t work out the way it was suppose to and some asshole reported me. Got my ass kicked by the teacher and that sucked. From then on I decided I didn’t want to be a fucking policeman. The fucking badge didn’t protect me from getting my ass kicked. Instead I got lectured about being a damn example to the students and shit. But still after like a year or 2 they made me the damned Assistant Head Prefect. It was stupid really. I sucked at my studies, the only thing I was good for was sports. I still don’t fucking know why they made me the Assistant Head Prefect. There would be countless teachers telling me how much I sucked and how much they preferred the other candidates to me. Then why the fuck did you assholes pick me?! Stupid assholes. Till this day I still remember what the Head Discipline Teacher a.k.a Head Prefect Teacher told me:

“You are the worst Assistant Head Prefect ever!”

Its tough growing up being able to speak Cantonese, English, Malay and be brown skinned. Primary school kids are dumb, because I’m a brown kid that can speak Cantonese they think I’m a retard. Malay kids see me Cantonese they think I’m a retard. Naturally I was some what of a freak during primary school. Nobody wanted to mix with me, at least not the Chinese kids. So mixed with Malay kids. I got bullied a lot when I was 7. Kids would kick my ass and called me names and shit.

Then one day my dad told me to defend myself and enrolled me in Taekwondo classes. That rocked. I loved it. I decided from then on I wanted to be a fighter. Things turned out really well, I got into many fights and I kicked major ass. Once I got myself into a bloody fight with some kid and he stabbed my left hand with a pencil and the damn nip broke in my hand. We were only 7 then?! What the fuck were we thinking stabbing each other? The class monitor brought me to the teacher and she just simply said:

“good, you naughty boy”

I shit you not, that’s what she said instead of giving me medical attention. That fucking sucked, doesn’t she know the severity of my arm? Blood was coming out a little cause the fucking nip was still stuck. Anyway I administered minor surgery on myself with a pair of scissors. I managed to get it out. I swear to God that’s what I did. At age 7 I administered minor surgery to my arm with a pair of scissors to get the pencil nip out. It was like a cut scene taken directly from Rambo. But some how at this point in time I just didn’t think of becoming a doctor. How my life would have changed for the better if I had decided to be a damn doctor.

Then another time some stupid ass asked me if I dared to let him cut my thigh with his supposedly sharp knife. I let him cause I didn’t believe it was sharp. Well, I was wrong, it was. He just fucking sliced my thigh. For a moment it was just white then the blood came rushing out. I think I wanted to be a butcher after that but I can’t really remember.

Islamic studies and Morale period would start together. Muslim kids would go to another class room and the non Muslims from that class would come to our class. Because I was brown the fucking teacher got me mixed up and sent me for Islamic classes. For those of you that don’t know, Malay kids are brown and Chinese kids are yellow. I have Portuguese and Chinese blood so I turned out brown or chocolate or whatever color you call it. The whole fucking period I didn’t know what was going on. I think they were praying and stuff and of course me being a Catholic I didn’t know what was going on. I remember the teacher saying something about how she was shocked at me not knowing some basic Arabic or something like that.

Anyway they got it sorted out and sent me back for Morale studies. In my goddamn Morale class I remember there were a few assholes. I was brown and everybody was yellow so I was some what an outcast. So they started making fun of me. Something that everybody should know about me; I have always been in a very bad mood since the day I was born and having a temper like mine is no consolation. This was about when I was 9. When I was like 6 or 7 I found my dads hidden Platoon VCR. That movie is the bomb. When I watched it I was fucking shocked at the language. At that age you don’t know what it meant but some how your little conscience keeps telling you that the word fuck, mother fucker and asshole aren’t good words. I was shocked as shit, but I still finished watching that movie; about 50 times I think. A couple of years later I saw that movie again and I noticed a couple of soldiers were raping a Vietnamese girl. Before that when I was younger I thought they were just trying to exorcise Satan from her or something. After the movie I knew I had to be in the army. I want to kill em mother fucking goons and exorcise Satan from little Asian girls.

Anyway back to the story, so these couple of mother fuckers were picking on me because I was brown and not yellow. Starting up my little vulgar brain I threw some fuck, mother fucker, shit fuck, fuck shit bad words at them. It shocked the shit out of them, not being able to keep up with my superb cursing skills they challenged me to a fight at the school field during recess. There were about 5 to 7 of them and only 1 of me. So I did what I had to to survive. During recess they showed up as expected and charged at me… I came prepared. I took out 2 pen knifes that I had bought a few minutes before. I was gonna cut those mother fuckers good. Well of course nobody got cut cause they ran like little bitches screaming “KNIFE HE GOT A KNIFE, HELP ME!”.

Anyway the fucking prefect busted my ass and reported me to my class teacher. She beat me up like a fucking dog and called my parents. I cannot explain how bad she beat me up. She’s very tall, took my right hand and held it up. I was literally standing on my fucking toes. She hit both my hands because those were the hands that was holding the knifes apparently then proceeded to hit my legs like a hundred times with the fucking cane. I don’t know why she hit my legs though, maybe she wanted to cripple me. Wouldn’t I be able to chase mother fuckers faster if I was on a wheelchair? Well that seemed logical at that time anyway. The conversation:

teacher: you know what your son has done?

dad: yea, chased a couple of kids

teacher: with a knife!

dad: cool

teacher: you know what your son is gonna grow up to be?

dad: somebody successful

teacher: he might not live past his 21st birthday

dad: I’m so proud of my son, he’s standing up for himself

teacher: my god

mom: Fawked darling, you shouldn’t chase people with knifes, knifes are dangerous

teacher: at least the mother is normal

mom: just beat them with a stick next time

Haha, that conversation didn’t go like that. I just made that shit up. Anyway nothing really happened after that, except for the daily fights and shit. The school got bored at my antics that they made me a prefect again, not just any prefect but Assistant Head Prefect. Just so maybe I would behave myself. Fuck that, being a prefect I could beat people up and not get hit back.

When I was about 12 I wanted to be a Pilot cause planes were cool. Well it didn’t take any plane crashes to change my mind. When I went into secondary school I started to think straight. I wanted to have the best job in the world, and that is not having a job. I would stay with my parents until it was time to inherit their shit. I still haven’t inherited anything so when I do, this blog will be updated.

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I am starting myself a new religion. It will be called the Fawked Religion. Marriage in this religion is a sin. Unlike all Gods that claim to be immortal, I am a mortal God. Everyone must have a vasectomy. Everybody must live their daily lives naked. There is no need for work. All we ever do is get drunk, fuck and smoke weed. There is no need to reproduce, once I die then basically you can do whatever the hell you want. I urge all of you to send me your money, it is the root of all evil. Send me your money and I will give you salvation. With the money that I have collected we will buy us some weapons of mass destruction and invade Hawaii. If those pansy Japs can invade them so can we.

After we invade Hawaii we will liberate Hawaii and call it Fawkstonia which also means Land of Always Fucking and getting Stoned. After we establish our country we will invade Japan. We will steal all their women and their Playstation 3. There is no need to work, we can drink coconut water and fish our food from the sea. Fucking will keep us alive. There will be no laws, no rules, no school, now government. Only the Mortal God - Fawked. There will be no bullshit that tells you you have to be at work at 8.30 and leave at 6. There is no such thing as 5.49++ for a goddamn cheese burger. Everything is free! The world was free, who decided that one day it would be broken up and called stupid names like Guguciaokistan or Melikeasskistan?

Oh shit I forgot to add this: NO GAYS ALLOWED IN MY NEW WORLD, GAYS ARE SHOT ON SIGHT!

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What is money? To some money is everything. You buy food with money, buy cars, pay bills, get hookers, get booze and other unthinkable stuff. Seriously, what is this thing we call money that everybody is so crazy about? I’m staring at a piece of 10 dollar right now, well that’s all I have to spend for this week anyway, I was mugged a couple of days ago by and old lady. Well that’s another story. What do I see, feel and smell on this 10 dollar note? It feels like some sort of higher grade paper, it definitely smells like someone’s arse, I see some old mans face on it, a signature from some governor, a train, ship, plane and some silver strips. What does this all mean? With this 10 bucks I could get me some cigarettes (as of now I no longer smoke), some food and probably a blow job from a transvestite. After all if you really think about it, its just a goddamn piece of paper! Who’s that goddamn mother fucker that created money? We were doing so well in barter trading? Who’s that dipshit that decided tin or copper coins and paper should replace a trade that was once fair? For example if you wanted a sack of shit as fertilizer you could trade your daughter for a pig. That way you can use the pig to plough your land and use its poop as fertilizer.

The 7 deadly sins of man comes down to only 1 word, and that fucking word is money. Actually its Money and Women. If you look really hard and turn Money upside down and sideways it kinda resembles Women. Anyway I’m here to discuss how Money is linked to the 7 deadly sins. Maybe some other day I’ll link Women to the 7 deadly sins.

• 1. Pride

When you have shit loads of money you will have pride in yourself. Pride is excessive believe in ones abilities. You think you can own the world with money, you can’t.

• 2. Envy

Have any of you ever had enough money? We always want more money. We envy the geek living next door that earns 200 times what we earn a month.

• 3. Greed

We become so envious that we become greedy. We want more than the other person has. We take and take and give nothing in return.

• 4. Gluttony

Gluttony comes next because you have to eat in order to survive, because you have money you become a pig. Believe it or not back in the olden days there were no fat people. Everybody had to work their ass off so everybody was jut lean and mean. All the fat guys in the world are rich fuckers. Basically with money you get to eat better food so you will eat more.

• 5. Lust

With money plastic surgery was created to cheat the old hags into thinking they can look young again. If you got the dough you can look like a hoe. Lust falls in perfectly here. Those fat fuckers that ate too much will go for liposuction so they can be thin and what not. Also if you’re rich, people tend to be more attracted to you.

• 6. Wrath

If you don’t have money you’d be fucking pissed at yourself for being a poor bastard, and angry at rich people. I’m fucking pissed right now cause I don’t have money. If I could get 2 cents for every dumb idea I come out with I’d be filthy rich. But fuck that.

• 7. Sloth

The seventh and last sin would be sloth. If you have money you will be lazy. You will hire maids and servants to do your house chores and shit.

What is all this shit? This is bullshit. If you look at how man came about the biblical way, we came from Adam and Eve. They were living in the Garden of Eden until God got pissed of these 2 naked fools pissing and shitting all over and kicked them out. I don’t really think it was as simple as eating an apple. If I was God I would make Beef Pepperoni Extra Cheese as the forbidden food cause its the best damn food in the world! Anyway God is the creator of the world and blablabla he could do whatever he wanted. So now, here we have it, the first man and woman in the whole world. Did they decide that “hey I’m gonna draw a line here and call it my country”. Nah, they just built their house where they pleased, which I think was just outside the Garden of Eden anyway. My point is, who decided where you live and how you should live?

It would only be fair if we took a look at Darwin’s Theory, well I think its Darwin’s Theory or something like that, I never went to school much. Anyway, we came from micro-organisms that evolved into fishes into sharks, into whales then into frogs, goats, cows, monkeys then humans. This process took like a billion zillion kabullion years. Who decided then that there was gonna be a line drawn to mark countries and create something called currency? If Adam hadn’t eaten that damned apple we’d all be running around stark naked playing with animals. Snakes would have legs and Darwin wouldn’t come up with that stupid theory that humans came from Apes. We all know goddamn well humans evolved from goats.

Even as we speak, governments are planning how to fuck us over, how to expand, how to get more money and blablabla.

“Hey look! Iraq has some oil, lets invade the sand niggers. A couple of years back Saddam Insane bought shitloads of Playstations from the Japs that could be used to control Nukes. Lets use that as an excuse to invade them! They have weapons of mass entertainment!”

Now why didn’t Saddam think of that before he invaded Kuwait? He could have said the Kuwaitis were hiding their weapons of mass destruction in the camels asses? That would give him green light to invade Kuwait, steal their oil, wed their women and rape the camels up the arse.

This is all crap! We don’t need a government, we don’t need money. We don’t need laws, we don’t need nukes. We don’t need fuel. We don’t need Versace or Armani. FUCK EVERYTHING! As I am typing this I’m taking off my cloths. I’m sitting in my room stark naked and in a moment I will be staring out of my room window in the nude to smell the smell of hypocrisy and bullshit that fills the air.

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Well my buddy asked me to help him do a college paper. I guess he wanted to flunk out of college badly when he asked me to write it. So here it is:

Sex and family, with the values of egoism and utilitarianism applied.

Dirty. That is the first thing we think when sex is mentioned. We do not even stop to think for a moment that the word sex could have other meanings other than sexual intercourse. According to www.dictionary.com the word sex applies to the property or quality by which organisms are classified as female or male on the basis of their reproductive organs and functions. My personal opinion on sexual intercourse is the closest feeling of being in heaven while it lasts. That also nicely describes the meaning of utilitarianism or as elaborated by Jeremy Bentham and James Mill;

the aim was said to be the greatest happiness for the greatest number

In this topic of discussion we assume the word sex refers sexual intercourse. Naturally organisms have sex to reproduce; this is assuming they have sexual intercourse with the opposite sex and species the way that it was meant to be. As the years go by there has been a growing trend of pre-marital sex that leads to unwanted pregnancies and other problems. One of the main concerns among teenagers is abortion. In my opinion abortion is wrong in many ways. Another word best describing abortion would be murder. Before anybody decides to have sex, he or she must be well educated on sex and the risks involved. This is where the family plays a role. The parents in particular should educate their kids about sex. At least explain to them how to put on a condom.

Naturally we adopt the religion that our parents believe in. I do not think there are any religions in this world that condones pre marital sex, but of course I could be wrong. When a person has not had sexual intercourse before, that person is considered a virgin. But virginity is a very abstract word. So what is virginity? What does it really mean? Is virginity really important? Speaking from the point of view as a male, losing your virginity means you have something extra to chat about with your friends that is considered “cool”.

Every person is born to this world with some sense of egoism. But how does egoism come into a topic of sex? I think I can safely say that largest ego in this topic of discussion would belong to the males. To most guys losing their virginity the earliest would mean a conquest won. It is also because of egoism that make males think they have to sleep with a lot of girls. Of course females are not entirely innocent. There are also females that are into casual sex because of their ego, I just have not found one yet.

Sex should be consensual or else it would be considered rape. During consensual sex the objective is to achieve greatest happiness for the couple. However from the elaboration of Jeremy Bentham and James Mill the topic of discussion might be about orgies. An orgy is a sexual activity performed in a group. I have never personally been in an orgy, but I would love to one day.

To conclude this paper, I have decided that sex is not wrong. Sex is fun. Sex is art. It takes two or more people to actively participate in. A good piece of advice would be to get a few condoms ready. If possible watch some pornographic movies before trying to have sex. Sex is an adventure with many different ways of approaching it. However always be safe and be ready to get a surprise in 9 months.

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We love terrorists because they are stupid dumb ass monkeys. If you gave me a ton of c4 I would wipe out an entire country. I would like to think that these assholes have unlimited amount of c4 and the best they could do each time was a couple of dead and a few dozens injured? Come on give me a break. That’s amateur shit. The world cannot beat terrorism. Terrorists are everywhere. You don’t know when they are going to strike next. The only thing we can do is be thankful that these idiots can’t plan shit right. Pointless killing of innocent people is stupid. I am not against war though. I think war rocks. Without war there won’t be good movies out there like Men of Honor, Platoon, Band of Brothers and so on. Rambo by the way is a gay ass movie.

What is the difference between war and terrorism? In war you know who the enemies are. You can shoot them in the ass and stab them till they die with your bayonet. Terrorism is an act of pussyness. Kidnapping some poor dude and decapitating him is pure pussy action. If they wanted to make a good tape of a man dying this is what I would suggest: Give the hostage a Rambo Knife, if possible give him a Samurai Sword. Then the terrorist would choose their best fighter and give him a weapon of the same choice as the hostage. Then tie both the fighters together by their weak arm. Round 1, FIGHT! Now that would make a damn good video. That would show the power and might of the terrorist, if he won. Now that’s fair. In war people always say there are no winners and losers. That is pretty true if you ask me. But if we think it over, there can be winners and losers. The losing side can always surrender before anybody gets killed. In terrorism there is no surrendering, no war. Just a bunch of morons strapping themselves with c4 and blowing shit up. Everybody has nuke nowadays, why not just fucking use em? I’m sure the damn terrorists can get their hands on some smart guys that can built it. Nuke everybody. Kill em all. That would rock.

If I was the head of all Terrorists in the world this would be my master plan: I would buy over all the nukes from Russia and I’ll cut them a good deal. I’ll leave Russia out of my destructive plan. This is mainly because they sold me some nukes and they are pretty stupid. You can tell by their alphabets, they use em upside down and side ways. Russian women are hot too. I would also leave Japan alone. I have always wanted to be part of the Yakuza, the name just sounds cool. Yakuza Fawked, catchy eh. And ummm their women are hot too, innocent looking dirty girls. I however might annihilate the men from both Russia and Japan though. Japan would be kind of hard because they have Voltron. All those movies they make on Ultraman, Godzilla and shit must be true man. Nobody makes a story out of nothing right? Voltron is a kick ass Robot and I wouldn’t want him to kick my ass. So back to my plan on world destruction, I would nuke the Germans first. No particular reason, I just love to hear them shouting “ACHTUNG ACHTUNG!!” I find that fucking funny haha. Then I would nuke China cause they would be second most funniest w hen they shout “SIAM AH SIAM AH TUA LAI KONG LAI LIAO!!”. I don’t know what it means but its fucking funny when we change the sound in Counter Strike to Chinese voices.

I’m not sure is Australia is a country cause they are so far away from everybody else, so I’ll just leave them alone. I’ll nuke America after China but Iowa will survive cause Slipknot lives there. I might kill Corey of Slipknot though for having a fag shit name. He should have changed his name to Dead Baby Eater or something, DBE for short. By now I think I would be a little bit too tired to carry on, so I’ll just leave the other countries alone. After becoming World King I would go to Japan first and check up on my old pal Voltron. I would get his help to push Russia all the way to Japan so I wouldn’t have to travel too far to get my women and Vodka. In a couple of years they would make a movie about my achievements. I was going to get Collin Farrel to act as the bad boy Fawked (that’s me) but after his gay ass display in Alexander I would have to go with Brad Pitt. Anyway, I’m currently employed and happy with my current employers so I’m wont be interested in any offer to lead any Terrorist or world domination groups.

Tags: Life

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