That was my pet tarantula, her name was Mang Yeh. Well she is dead now… I miss her. One of the best pets ever. A little something about my tarantula: It is one of the most agressive of the tarantula species. Because of its orange color it is known as the Orange Baboon. It is also known as the Usumbara Baboon or its scientific name Pterinochilus Pt. Unlike some tarantulas the Usumbara Baboon is an aggressive species. Mess with it and it will go into the attack stance and ready to kick your ass. The bite is poisonous but not poisonous enough to kill a grown up. If it bit a kid he might die though. A grown up will probably get high fever or something. The hair on the tarantula can best be described as fibre glass. One of the defensive methods of the tarantula is brushing its legs against its body to release its hair which then irritates the skin. I don’t know what happens if it touches your eyes, you’ll probably go blind or something.

The life span for a tarantula is about 3 to 4 years. Naturally the female tarantula is larger than the male. I still remember the day when I went to buy my Mang Yeh. It was an exotic pet shop which had no license. There were about 10 containers with tarantulas in them. It didn’t take me long to pick Mang Yeh. The shop owner had just dumped in 2 crickets in each container, Mang Yeh was up and in action. Going after the crickets like a hunter, I didn’t have to think twice who I wanted as a pet out of the 10.

The first time I brought it back home it was only as big as 2 and a half inches. Being the killer that it was I couldn’t hold it in my hands. It had fangs about half a centimetre. It would hurt like a fucking bitch if it did bite me. So I used a pen to play with it. Then later used the pen to write. You can guess what happened next. The hair made my fingers itchy and being the horny ass that I am, I spread the hair to every part of my body including my cock. Awesome shit. I remember during my 21st birthday I showed SleepyAngel my pet and she was so terrified she stood like 30 meters away from the little aquarium that I kept Mang Yeh. By now Mang Yeh was used to me opening the lid to show her to my friends. She would come out of the little tube that she used for her home and put up an “I would kick your ass” stance. She would never run or jump out.

SleepyAngel: I’ll look from here

Fawked: come here man! take a closer look

SleepyAngel: I’m fine here man… really, I’m fine

Fawked: COME HERE GODDAMN IT!

SleepyAngel: what are you doing, don’t take the lid off… DON’T!

Fawked: fine, I’ll bring it over to you then

SleepyAngel: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Fawked: wahahahha

Most memorable incident: One day I woke up late in the afternoon for lunch (those were the days when I could wake up at 2 for lunch then go back to bed). I walked over to Mang Yeh to check on her and… the fucking lid was open… Holy shit. I had a fucking poisonous tarantula loose in my room. By now she was full size about 5 inches and fangs at least over 1 centimetres. I don’t know how poisonous she is but she would pack a fucking bite. There was no way she could escape from my room because she was too big to crawl under the closed doors and my windows were closed shut. My room was like a fucking jungle, she could be anywhere… she could suddenly jump from my cupboard onto my face and bite me in the fucking eyeballs. It was a good thing that Mang Yeh wasn’t much of an explorer. She just came out of the aquarium and made a little nest behind one of my speakers.

Its really tough looking after tarantulas. You cannot man handle them like how you do most pets. Just by touching its hair could irritate the skin. Tarantulas get easily sick if you leave un-eaten carcasses of crickets or whatever you feed them with in the same container. Like all living creatures tarantulas take a shit occasionally, they look like raisins so you have to clean them too. Tarantulas shed their skin every once in a while, it is during this time they are at its weakest. During this time its fangs would be white in color and very soft so it won’t be able to bite its enemies. My tarantulas aquarium was attacked by ants 3 times. Ants could kill your tarantula. They are small and they have numbers. Ants attacks are the most fucked up shit to deal with. You have to get the tarantula out, throw the sand away and getting the tarantula back in the aquarium. I do this barehanded but I do not recommend you do so, use 2 gloves, very very thick gloves and a paint brush (those used by Artists). Use the brush to slowly coax the tarantula in or out of containers. Using sharp objects might accidentally puncture the sack (backside of the tarantula) which is the weakest part of their body. If a tarantula loses its leg(s) they will grow back eventually.

Sometimes during skin shedding, there might be complications. Sometimes the skin will not shed properly especially near the legs. This is how you administer minor surgery to your tarantula: Throw it in the freezer, freeze the mother fucker up. You have to keep messing with it so it doesn’t die. Just make it cold enough till its movement is slowed. Then apply minor surgery to help it shed its skin. Tarantulas are not advised for kids below 17 or people that don’t know how to masturbate.

Tags: Pet, Stuff You Should Have

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They are the best, period. Don’t even argue about that. They come in various sizes, colors, taste and what not. Most important they are durable. I think that’s why they call it Durex. Once I had this girl over and we decided we were gonna fuck. I like to fuck, a lot. But I don’t plan it. I swear every time its the girls that want it.

I didn’t have any rubber so I went to 7-11 a 24/7 convenient store. I asked for Durex and they didn’t have any. I’ve been using Durex like since forever and I don’t know any other brand that’s good. So I tell the guy to give me the most expensive condom he has. He gives me some crap brand that I can’t remember the name. From the price of it I was rather worried. I wanna hump hard and long, is this shit even gonna last. Some how the thought of fucking hazed my brain and I took it anyway.

I went back home and socked my cock up. The lube on it was kinda slimy and not smooth like it should have been. Without thinking much I spat on my cock, lubed up and started fucking. Half way through fucking doggy style I heard a fucking pop. The chick stopped rocking her ass and I stopped moving. Holy shit. The worst has happened. The fucking shit broke. I lost my erection and was walking around my room like a mad man. The chick wanted to continue fucking but I couldn’t. Being a dad at that age just didn’t seem like fun. Fuck that.

For about 2 weeks we didn’t have sex until after her next period.

Warning: condoms have an expiry date, do not put a condom in your goddamn wallet or in your car. You should already know what the other warnings are, if you don’t you’re just plain stupid. And ask your dad if you don’t know why you shouldn’t put a condom in your wallet or car.

Tags: Stuff You Should Have

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