I was reading the papers just now over lunch and the Two Cops Commended For Saying No To Bribery news caught my attention. It is not the first time we have seen news like that. I don’t know how you feel about reading that sort of news. I get pissed off when I read shit like that. Why?

Why should we commend cops for not taking bribes? Isn’t it their job to not take bribes? Commending cops for not taking bribe is only publicly admitting that cops do take bribes. The have not done it once but several times. This time I’m really pissed. No offense to the 2 coppers for not taking bribes by the way. Cops should be commended for making arrest, not for saying no to bribes. If we commend cops for saying no to bribery then

I should get commended for every day I don’t use the word fuck

I don’t know what’s the deal with the newspapers nowadays, reporting useless and embarrassing shit. Commending 2 cops for not taking bribes is just plain embarrassing. It just shows how corrupted the police are that you have to praise the honest ones. And how often do they get praised? 2 or 3 times a year, so we only have 4 or 6 honest cops. Hey, I didn’t say the cops were corrupted. They admitted it themselves when they commended 2 cops for not taking bribes.

If I were a cop would I take bribes? Sure I would. But that’s me. I don’t give a fuck if it was under table money or above the table money. Money is money. But would I give a bribe? No I would not. Have I given a bribe before? Yes I have. But it was not because I wanted to, it was because I was naive and I was extorted not on 1 occasion but on several occasions. For those of you that don’t know how to initiate the bribe conversation this is how you do it:

Police: Ah chai, you tak pakai seat belt ah (you never use your seat belt)

Offender: Oh ya kah? (oh really?)

Police: IC lisen mari (give me your license and identity card)

Offender: ok…

Police: sekarang nak tulis saman ah (I’m going to write the summon now)

Basically the above line is rubbish. Why don’t you get to the fucking point? Write the fucking summon, you don’t have to tell me or whoever that you are writing the summon. But anyway after he says that you have a few options:

1. Boleh settle? (Can settle?)

2. Boleh bagi can? (Can give me a chance?)

After saying one of the above you will get the following:

1. Berapa you mau settle? (How much can you pay to settle?)

Then you negotiate how much to pay. In my 12 years of driving I have only been summoned once for not wearing a seat belt. And I can tell you it was done in less than 4 minutes. He came over, told me what I did wrong, took my IC and license and wrote me a summon all in under 4 minutes and 12 words. This is what he said:

Police: You didn’t wear your seat belt, IC and license please.

Fawked: …

Police: Thank you (after handing me my summon)

That was the only fucking time I made a mistake, it was only because I just came out of my customers shop and I wanted to drive less than a kilometre away to my next customer. I have never been given a ticket for speeding or some other shit.

When I just got my license at the age of 17 I was caught for all kinda horrendous shit. Sure, at that age you could bullshit me to part with my money. Here are all of the times I got my ass extorted:

Case 1: I was accused for driving without without wearing shoes. I was driving barefooted, apparently it was an offense so big they could haul my ass to jail. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 2: Accused of having a bald car tire. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 3: Riding a bike without wearing a helmet. Normally if you ride a bike without a helmet you deserve to get fucked. But we just came out of the cyber cafe, hopped on the bike and rode a distance of 50 metres to the restaurant. 50 FUCKING METRES. It wasn’t even a main road, it was a back alley. What the fuck is the cops doing manning a road block in the back alley? Catch speeding rats? Paid RM1 for ever meter we went cause he charged us RM50.

The best story would have to be this one Chinese New Year. My buddy Bullet and I wanted to go buy some liquor. We went on his motorbike. Bullet made an illegal u-turn then a traffic copper on those 500cc bikes chased after us. The conversation:

Police: You made an illegal u-turn

Bullet: Yea

Police: I know it’s Chinese New Year and I don’t really want to summon you

Bullet: ok… so will you give me a chance?

Police: But I can’t really give you a chance, you made an illegal u-turn its dangerous.

Bullet: Can settle?

Police: How much you can pay?

Bullet: How much you want?

Police: RM50

Bullet: We don’t have money we are just kids. (we were 17 then)

Police: Then how much?

Bullet: RM20 can?

That was when he said something so fucking funny and stupid that we will remember for the rest of our lives and I want to share it with all of you. This is what he said:

← SHOW SPOILER →

Seriously that was what he said. That was not the end of the story. We settle for RM40, the asshole wouldn’t lower the price cause he knew it was Chinese New Year and we had ang pow money. We lied we didn’t have money but we were each carrying about RM500 in RM50 notes. Bullet asked me to pay for it and I asked him to pay. It was funny really, we told the cop we didn’t have money. So we couldn’t possibly give him RM50 and ask for RM10 change from him. Luckily Bullet had RM20 and I have RM20 so we paid the copper the RM40.

Then get this, after he gets his money he says thank you and whistles, get on his bike and makes a u-turn. Because he stopped us on a 1 way street, he made a fucking u-turn and went against traffic. Now what the fuck is that? The cops are above the law? That’s not dangerous?

Nowadays I’m much older, and the cops know it too. They can’t trick me. If I didn’t do anything wrong they can’t come up with lame excuses to extort from me. But maybe the cops are just much better nowadays. Maybe. I will never ever give a bribe. If I did something wrong I would rather face the consequences. I’m not going to part with my money.

All those anti-bribery sticker on the patrol cars and anti bribery button badges, its all stupid and a waste of money. What’s the benefit of it? To educate the public not to bribe the cops? How about you fucking educate your workers not to accept bribes instead. Instead of buying medals to commend cops that don’t take bribes, why don’t you buy a fucking clue.

I can’t emphasize enough how stupid it is to commend cops that don’t take bribes. Commendations are to be given to people that do something exceptional, something out of the ordinary. You don’t commend people for doing what they are supposed to do. Maybe they do admit, saying no to a RM200 bribe is something exceptional and out of the ordinary.

The only forwarded mails I read are from my mom. That’s because she reads them first and send me only the good shit. Unlike most people, they don’t read the mails they just forward the garbage. Today she sent me a really funny joke so I thought I’d share it. Most people will say that I find any joke at the Church is funny.

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today..’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205Km/h (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger..’  

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

This is a remix of the song Poker Face by Lady GaGa. In this remix version Lady GaGa sings in a duet with South Park front man Eric Cartman.

Finally the MCA voting results are out and is it any surprise that Chua Soi Lek won? I mean come on! The guy is a porn star for fucks sake, he’s famous. Of course he’s going to win! Personally I’m not into politics and I couldn’t care less about who won. But when a porn star wins, that’s big news.

When I grow up I want to fuck a “personal friend” in a shady motel (while having her clothes on) and get my ass recorded then become president of MCA. It’s just so awesome. His win has inspired me that anything is possible. Not only has it inspired me, but his win has also inspired others to go into politics.

It was reported that Jenna Jameson was so inspired by Dr. Chua that she decided to be in the running for Governor  of the state of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger. According to polls, it is believed that Jenna Jameson would do better in politics because her porn movies are clearer and more hardcore with younger men. Dr. Chua’s video on the other hand, may have used a body double with a bigger dick.

Another person inspired by Dr. Chua is Anwar. It is rumoured that Anwar is contemplating making a video of his own to boost his political career. Whether or not his genre would be accepted by the public is yet to be seen. But it is surely going to be a hit with the fans of his co-star, American Idol runner up, Adam Lambert.

Yesterday I blogged about Streamyx being assholes here and today I read this article at thestar.com.my and I was laughing my ass off. Streamyx must really think we are stupid or something. Some of us are pretty stupid but that’s maybe because we have no idea what kinda bullshit they are pulling. Lets have a look at their awesome HSBB package:

5 Mbps – 60 GB monthly download quota
10 Mbps – 90 GB monthly download quota
20 Mbps – 120 GB monthly download quota

If you think monthly quotas are fucked up, they made it even more fucked up by having daily quotas out of the monthly quotas. I’m assuming the quotas are divided by 30 days or 31 days. So that would make it:

5 Mbps – 2 GB download quota per day
10 Mbps 3 GB download quota per day
20 Mbps – 4 GB download quota per day

If you think that’s fucked up, they made it EVEN MORE FUCKED UP, if you exceed your download quota per day they throttle your speed to 10% of the bandwidth you are paying for. So if you exceed your quota this is what you will get:

5 Mbps – 500 Kbps
10 Mbps – 1 Mbps
20 Mbps – 2 Mbps

This is all I have to say:

LOLWTFLMAOBBQWTFROLFCOPTER

There is nothing that I need to say further. You can clearly see how fucking stupid they are. Those a fucking ridiculous package. If you don’t think so let me do the math for you ok. Educate yourself. With blazing speeds you still want to watch normal DVD movies and normal 320p YouTube movies? No way, I would want to watch HD movies.

A HD movie is about 4 GB and above for a standard timed movie. 4 fucking GB’s. You can even fucking finish downloading that movie in a day. You need 2 days for the 5 Mbps, 2 days for the 10 Mbps and a day for the 20 Mbps. Then once you are done downloading your shit, all you can do is watch that movie because the speeds you get then will be so fucked up you can’t do shit.

If you think that’s not half as bad, let me just calculate for you how many hours of fun you can have with your HSBB crap. Now assuming you totally utilize your bandwidth, why bother having high speed Internet if you cant utilize the speed right? This calculation is also based on your maximum quota at full speed:

5 Mbps – 2 GB quota full speed download = 1 hour and 2 minutes
10 Mbps – 3 GB quota full speed download = 47 minutes 59 seconds
20 Mbps – 4 GB quota full speed download = 34 minutes

*All speeds and time assumed with 20% overhead

I’m lost for words really. I don’t know what else to say except that this is bullshit. They increase the speeds in 2x multipliers but they increase the quota by 1. Their marketing team is really fucking smart. I’m looking for a job by the way, why don’t they hire me and I’ll make the Rakyat happy. TM Nut might go bust, but I’ll guaranty they will be the most loved ISP in Malaysia.

Don’t fall for their bullshit. Spread the word. We don’t need fast Internet for surfing and YouTube. With that sort of quota we can’t even host our own servers at home. With the fucking bottlenecks and congested lines we are not moving forward, we are just moving backwards. And with disgruntled customers like myself, all I have to say is fuck you Streamyx.

Streamyx people are laughing at all you UniFi subscribers cause UniFi actually means U-NaiVe. Don’t be naive, it’s bullshit.