Nowadays we hear a lot about HSBB in Malaysia. So what is HSBB? It stands for High Speed Broad Band. Cool eh? It’s a whooping 10Mbps! 10 freaking megabits per second. Wow awesome… you can download porn faster than you can cum! Wait, so who is supplying the HSBB? It’s no other than TM NUT TM NET! You know what I think about HSBB? This is what I think about HSBB…

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Now why would I say that? First of all since they started talking about all this HSBB crap, my 4Mbps have been suffering, suffering so much that my brother that just bought himself a new computer gorged his eyes out and bled to death because he couldn’t play his online game.

Any long time user of Streamyx will agree that the service is fucking horrible. The after sales is even worse. The technical team can’t tell the difference between a Local connection and an International connection. Let me give you an example:

Fawked: Hi my Internet is slow.
Streamyx Technical Support: Please make sure your pc got no virus and spyware.
Fawked: I just reformatted my pc it’s clean.
Streamyx Technical Support: Please check and see that your modem is working correctly.
Fawked: My router is working correctly cause I never changed anything.
Streamyx Technical Support: Ok we will move into troubleshooting phase. Have you tried a direct connection?
Fawked: … I already tried that.
Streamyx Technical Support: I don’t see any problem then, you can go online no?
Fawked: Yes I can, but I can’t get my 4Mbps speed I’m paying for.

THIS IS WHEN THEY LAY THE TRAP

Streamyx Technical Support: Oh I see… to test your speed please go to http://speedtest.streamyx.com.my/

They must really think I’m a dumb ass mother fucker. But just for argument sake, I did a test at 9.43pm, in other words, super fucking peak time when Malaysians go online. I recorded this test and it’s no fucking bullshit. Just watch.

Can you fucking believe the download speed?  1000 kbps, 700 kbps and 900 kbps. That’s an average download speed of 866 kbps. In other words its 6.933 Mbps! Wow, my 4 Mbps connection is actually a HSBB connection? No fucking way.

That’s some fucking insane speeds beyond anybodies imagination. But lets get real ok? I was testing my speed against their server. Why don’t I test my fucking speed against my Gigabit local area network? I would get a trillion kbps download speed. Anyway this is how the conversation will go:

Fawked: I got 1000 kbps download speed which is impossible.
Streamyx Technical Support: Why is it impossible? We give you good service more than you pay for.
Fawked: Because at 4 Mbps my MAX download speed is only 500 kbps
Streamyx Technical Support: How did you get 500 kbps

Your download speed calculation:

4 Mbps = 4000 / 8 = 500 kbps download speed but you will probably get around 475 kbps
2 Mbps = 2000 / 8 = 250 kbps download speed but you will probably get around 225 kbps
1 Mbps = 1000 / 8 = 125 kbps download speed but you will probably get around 115 kbps
512 kbps = 512 kbps / 8 = 64 kbps download speed but you will probably get around 50 kbps

Try it out at 2am in the morning or 8am in the morning when Malaysians are asleep, you will probably max out your download speeds at those times.

Why do we need fast internet speeds? To download shit right? Again and again I have mentioned we only need 128 kbps to surf the net. Why do we need faster speeds?

Download torrents = Streamyx throttle torrents to very very low speeds or none at all because it cripples their servers. Their excuse, torrents are for pirates. Partially true.
Read and send emails: Was doing it fine with my 33.6 kbps back at the old dial up days.
Read blogs = I was reading blogs fine when I had my 512 kbps connection.
Watch YouTube = I could watch YouTube just fine with my 1 Mbps connection at 4am in the morning when the lines are clear.

So why the fuck do we need high speed Internet? Are we getting what we are paying for? Are we aware of the bullshit that they keep throwing at us? Making us pay more money for the bullshit speeds that they are offering? Bull fucking shit. What high speed internet? We pay for the speed but only really get to use a fraction of the promised speed.

Instead of “increasing” speeds, how about maintaining and making sure the users get the speeds they are paying for.

What the fuck are any of you going to do with a HSBB 10 Mbps? Read blogs? It will load so fucking fast the words will fall off your monitor. Play games? Your character will move so fucking fast, your character will fall off the edge of your screen. We could do all this shit with 2 Mbps if we truly got those speeds.

Another issue is the upload speed. At 4 Mbps I only get 512 kbps upload. If I had 4 Mbps up stream and down stream I could host my own web server. I could host my own IRC server. If I had 10 Mbps up stream and down stream I could host my own blog and my friendSSSSSS blogsSSSSSS and host my own gaming server.

Having a Streamyx 4 Mbps download speed with 512 kbps upload is like having a Ferrari with no wheels. The sound only gempak but your car won’t be going anywhere. Below is a video on the TRUE SPEEDS WE ARE GETTING (all tests were done within minutes of each other):

Tests from Malaysia, Thailand and Singapore only shows I have 2 Mbps during super peak hours. Now lets see how it fairs in the US where most of the websites we visit are at.

1st test I got was 0.23 Mbps, second test it didn’t even bother to move. How ridiculous is that? Maybe YouTube will do better? Lets try YouTube then, hopefully we can watch some videos. That’s why most of us got the Internet for anyway, to watch YouTube.

I was trying to watch a normal YouTube video and it won’t even load. I didn’t even bother to watch the HD version of the video. At the end of the video it demonstrated the poor downloading speed of the videos. Averaging about 30 kbps. 30 kbps is equivalent to about 0.25 Mbps as shown in the USA speed test above. And finally this is the conversation you will get when you call the Streamyx Technical Support people:

Streamyx Technical Support: Test from http://speedtest.streamyx.com.my/ does show you have 4 Mbps.
Fawked: That is local.
Streamyx Technical Support: Still it’s 4 Mbps.
Fawked: But speeds to other servers like YouTube is slow.

Streamyx Technical Support: That’s because their server is lagging, not Streamyx.

That is the lamest and dumbest fucking excuse ever. What the fuck am I going to do with a 4 Mbps to local Malaysian servers? Watch Bluehyppo? For fucks sake. Wake up. Below is a video I made while watching YouTube at 2.32am in the morning when most Malaysians are sleeping:

Oh wow guess what, I was downloading some torrent and I could stream YouTube faster than Speedy Gonzalez. You can give us 100 Mbps download speeds but if we only get 0.25 Mbps during most of the day and 512 Mbps upload speeds you might as well don’t give us shit. Do you know what the fucking problem is? Streamyx knows what the fucking problem is they just won’t admit it. So I’m gonna say it.

They can roll out their HSBB DSBB OSBB FUBB CIBB 10MB 100MB EVEN 10000MB line it don’t fucking matter. Cause the problem is, they can’t handle the amount of users they have. They want more users than they can handle. They roll out new shit to get more customers.

A simple example would be a fucking mini bus, you remember those little cute pink busses? They could sit about lets say 30 people. But they used to cramp that shit up to like a thousand. Then they modify the mini bus with bigger exhaust and engine and say the bus can take you to your destination faster. Then they try and cramp 2 thousand people into it. But the bus gets too heavy and cramped, you still don’t reach your destination fast enough. Why the fuck they do that? 1 word says it all:

GREED. MOTHER FUCKING GREED.

They go like:

“Lets roll out high speed Internet and charge these assholes a bomb. They are too stupid to know the difference anyway. Our 100Mb backbone is supposed to only have 25 users, but we’ll put 100 users on it to maximise profit. We will just call it fair usage. The idiots can read all about it here http://www.streamyx.com.my/customer_care/customer_care.php?id=customer_care_fair_usage_policy”

At the end of the day what we get is pure shit. They sold us a fucking Ferrari without wheels. You think the car can go fast, but in fact its going no where. It’s like having the hottest chick of your dreams naked and waiting for you to fuck her only to find you cant get your dick to stand.

Do I have a choice? No I don’t. Do you have a choice? No you don’t. You either just take the package, shut the fuck up or fuck off. The Internet is an integral part of my daily life and our only ISP has forced itself on me and I feel violated.

Join the Butuh La Streamyx Facebook group here.

I take back all the bad things I said about The Book of Eli. I take it all back. Alice in Wonderland wins hands down as the worst fucking movie ever made in the entire universe. I had to sit through 1 hour and 48 minutes of pure shit.

I don’t know what the fuck is up with Tim Burton, recently he makes shitty gray scale movies. Everything is dark and gothic. And it’s always starring Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Helena Bonham Carter starred in all 3 of his latest movies and Johnny Depp starred in the last 2.

The cinema was filled with kids, at least they enjoyed it thoroughly. The kids were always giggling and laughing and clapping when something good happened. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I was so pissed at the movie I wanted to rip my chair out to throw at the screen.

Johnny Depp played the Mad Hatter. He wasn’t very entertaining in the movie. Johnny Depp is a really good actor. I always enjoyed watching his characters. But in Alice in Wonderland, even Johnny Depp couldn’t save it.

Mia Wasikowska starred as Alice. She is not hot. She was boring. But then again, they even fucked up the movie’s only saviour; Anne Hathaway.

This is probably the first movie Anne Hathaway didn’t go nude. But even if she went nude looking like that, I wouldn’t be interested. That is actually a very flattering screen cap of Anne. She looks a lot worse in other scenes.

The only part that entertained me lasted only for about 15 seconds and that was Hatter’s Futterwaken dance. I have conveniently included the video here for you. Enjoy.

A few days ago I read in the news paper that teachers are now prepared to educate kids on sex in schools. About damned time they were okay with sex education. Cause many of us got our sex education from our parents. I would think most parents aren’t very good in teaching, especially if it involves sex. I remember the time when my mom attempted to educate me on the birds and bees… more on that at the end of this story.

Before the teachers attempt to educate the students, it is important for them to be educated on the proper way of educating. We wouldn’t want them confusing the kids. Like how it happened to me.

When I was 12, there was this teacher in my primary school that attempted to explain to us about puberty. If I’m not mistaken he was pretty young. He probably just graduated from teaching school and definitely just hit puberty himself not too long ago. This is a perfect example of why teachers need proper education on sensitive subjects.

Teacher: Hi kids, today we are going to talk about puberty.
Teacher: Most of you will notice that you are going through some changes… and today I’m going to educate you guys. Any questions before we continue?
Teacher: No questions? Ok good then we can continue.
Teacher: Puberty is when you will start to grow a beard down there… yea… a beard… just like a beard like I have… but down there.
Teacher: For girls, you will have a swell on your chest… and your ass will grow broader… but it’s ok, it’s part of the puberty process.
Teacher: When you grow up and have sex it’s safer to use some protection cause you can get sexual diseases. For guys there’s this disease where a hole will appear on your dick head… and when you pee the pee will shoot out of that hole like a whale… I think it’s called the whale disease… Then later your dick head will fall off… STD’s are bad mmmkay?

I have no fucking idea if that talk was part of the school syllabus but you DO NOT tell 12 year old kids that there is a disease where the dick head falls off. The girls at that age would go like “Eww sex, it’s gross. Serves the guys right if their dick head falls off… but what’s a dick head?” I don’t know what the other guys thought about at that time, but I can tell you what came to my mind. It was…

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For some of you that have got no fucking idea why that freaked me and probably 29 other guys in my class, let me illustrate it for you. Before guys hit puberty, guys don’t have a dick head. The dick looks like this:

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Before puberty, the dick head is attached to the dick skin. So there isn’t a dick head. I’m not gonna put a real picture there. If you have a little brother or a cousin go and look at his dick.

When guys hit puberty this is how their dick will look like. If you thought that we had that swollen dick head that you ladies like polishing with your mouth all this while, how wrong were you.

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The process for the dick head to free itself from the skin takes some time. It’s not an overnight process. First there is a small tear. Then that tear becomes a little bigger. Then it looks like a hole. A HOLE. Before that fucking teacher gave us that talk, my dick head was trying to free itself already. I was already having sleepless nights cause it looked like Freddy Kruger shredded my dick with his claws.

Then when he gave us that talk, it some how explained why my dick was tearing up. Man, I was going crazy. I thought I had an advanced whale disease cause it started to tear around my dick head and it looked like I had a few whale holes around it.

It was absolutely horrible for me. I was afraid my dick head was going to fall off. When finally all the skin released the dick head, I was a little relieved that my dick head was still attached. Now it looked like a huge mushroom.

That little talk the teacher gave us really freaked me out. It could have been avoided had he been properly educated in giving the talk. That was like 17 years ago. About fucking time.

Then not too long before or after that my mom attempted to tell me about the birds and the bees. If that teacher did a horrible job, my mom did an even worse job. My parents decided it was the appropriate time to give me the talk cause I found a Playboy stash. I remembered that moment as truly a feeling of heaven on earth. I didn’t even know how to jack off yet, but naked women are always nice.

My family is a little conservative. We weren’t allowed to watch movies with nude scenes, no fucking before marriage and shit like that. Of course I turned out to be a fucktard and did all of that. Anyway the conversation:

Mom: Men have what you have.
Little Fawky: Ok…
Mom: And you know women have 2 horns right?
Little Fawky: I think so…
Mom: Ok anything you want to ask?
Little Fawky: Nothing…
Mom: Ok great so now you know

2 horns? For fucks sake. At that time I thought she was talking about the women’s pussy. Guys had a spear, so I thought maybe women had 2 horns down there. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was referring to the boobs?! That really confused me when I saw pussy for the first time. That wasn’t too long after. But I got that shit all sorted out when I got my hands on some good old porn. I educated myself, and I educated myself well.

Anyway, it’s great that the teachers are going to educate the kids on sex. Better to leave the education to the educators. But if I were to give my kids the talk on the birds and the bees I would be the one to do it, can’t trust the wife to give that talk. I’d do it with videos and pictures and make sure they are well educated in the sexual department.

Just now I found a liquor cake in my fridge. Melissa gave Dawn the cake and Dawn gave some of it to me. I forgot to eat it and it has been in my fridge for over a month. It looked a little moldy… but it smelled alright. I ate it anyway. If you don’t hear from me in the next few days that’s because I’m either very sick or dead.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare was a kick ass game. Modern Warfare 2 is even better. Stunning graphics, awesome storyline and bloody. Not that bloody, but it’s still good. Check out the entire No Russian chapter game play below. For the full review and more screen shots check out www.setuix.com.