I was reading the papers just now over lunch and the Two Cops Commended For Saying No To Bribery news caught my attention. It is not the first time we have seen news like that. I don’t know how you feel about reading that sort of news. I get pissed off when I read shit like that. Why?

Why should we commend cops for not taking bribes? Isn’t it their job to not take bribes? Commending cops for not taking bribe is only publicly admitting that cops do take bribes. The have not done it once but several times. This time I’m really pissed. No offense to the 2 coppers for not taking bribes by the way. Cops should be commended for making arrest, not for saying no to bribes. If we commend cops for saying no to bribery then

I should get commended for every day I don’t use the word fuck

I don’t know what’s the deal with the newspapers nowadays, reporting useless and embarrassing shit. Commending 2 cops for not taking bribes is just plain embarrassing. It just shows how corrupted the police are that you have to praise the honest ones. And how often do they get praised? 2 or 3 times a year, so we only have 4 or 6 honest cops. Hey, I didn’t say the cops were corrupted. They admitted it themselves when they commended 2 cops for not taking bribes.

If I were a cop would I take bribes? Sure I would. But that’s me. I don’t give a fuck if it was under table money or above the table money. Money is money. But would I give a bribe? No I would not. Have I given a bribe before? Yes I have. But it was not because I wanted to, it was because I was naive and I was extorted not on 1 occasion but on several occasions. For those of you that don’t know how to initiate the bribe conversation this is how you do it:

Police: Ah chai, you tak pakai seat belt ah (you never use your seat belt)

Offender: Oh ya kah? (oh really?)

Police: IC lisen mari (give me your license and identity card)

Offender: ok…

Police: sekarang nak tulis saman ah (I’m going to write the summon now)

Basically the above line is rubbish. Why don’t you get to the fucking point? Write the fucking summon, you don’t have to tell me or whoever that you are writing the summon. But anyway after he says that you have a few options:

1. Boleh settle? (Can settle?)

2. Boleh bagi can? (Can give me a chance?)

After saying one of the above you will get the following:

1. Berapa you mau settle? (How much can you pay to settle?)

Then you negotiate how much to pay. In my 12 years of driving I have only been summoned once for not wearing a seat belt. And I can tell you it was done in less than 4 minutes. He came over, told me what I did wrong, took my IC and license and wrote me a summon all in under 4 minutes and 12 words. This is what he said:

Police: You didn’t wear your seat belt, IC and license please.

Fawked: …

Police: Thank you (after handing me my summon)

That was the only fucking time I made a mistake, it was only because I just came out of my customers shop and I wanted to drive less than a kilometre away to my next customer. I have never been given a ticket for speeding or some other shit.

When I just got my license at the age of 17 I was caught for all kinda horrendous shit. Sure, at that age you could bullshit me to part with my money. Here are all of the times I got my ass extorted:

Case 1: I was accused for driving without without wearing shoes. I was driving barefooted, apparently it was an offense so big they could haul my ass to jail. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 2: Accused of having a bald car tire. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 3: Riding a bike without wearing a helmet. Normally if you ride a bike without a helmet you deserve to get fucked. But we just came out of the cyber cafe, hopped on the bike and rode a distance of 50 metres to the restaurant. 50 FUCKING METRES. It wasn’t even a main road, it was a back alley. What the fuck is the cops doing manning a road block in the back alley? Catch speeding rats? Paid RM1 for ever meter we went cause he charged us RM50.

The best story would have to be this one Chinese New Year. My buddy Bullet and I wanted to go buy some liquor. We went on his motorbike. Bullet made an illegal u-turn then a traffic copper on those 500cc bikes chased after us. The conversation:

Police: You made an illegal u-turn

Bullet: Yea

Police: I know it’s Chinese New Year and I don’t really want to summon you

Bullet: ok… so will you give me a chance?

Police: But I can’t really give you a chance, you made an illegal u-turn its dangerous.

Bullet: Can settle?

Police: How much you can pay?

Bullet: How much you want?

Police: RM50

Bullet: We don’t have money we are just kids. (we were 17 then)

Police: Then how much?

Bullet: RM20 can?

That was when he said something so fucking funny and stupid that we will remember for the rest of our lives and I want to share it with all of you. This is what he said:

← SHOW SPOILER →

Seriously that was what he said. That was not the end of the story. We settle for RM40, the asshole wouldn’t lower the price cause he knew it was Chinese New Year and we had ang pow money. We lied we didn’t have money but we were each carrying about RM500 in RM50 notes. Bullet asked me to pay for it and I asked him to pay. It was funny really, we told the cop we didn’t have money. So we couldn’t possibly give him RM50 and ask for RM10 change from him. Luckily Bullet had RM20 and I have RM20 so we paid the copper the RM40.

Then get this, after he gets his money he says thank you and whistles, get on his bike and makes a u-turn. Because he stopped us on a 1 way street, he made a fucking u-turn and went against traffic. Now what the fuck is that? The cops are above the law? That’s not dangerous?

Nowadays I’m much older, and the cops know it too. They can’t trick me. If I didn’t do anything wrong they can’t come up with lame excuses to extort from me. But maybe the cops are just much better nowadays. Maybe. I will never ever give a bribe. If I did something wrong I would rather face the consequences. I’m not going to part with my money.

All those anti-bribery sticker on the patrol cars and anti bribery button badges, its all stupid and a waste of money. What’s the benefit of it? To educate the public not to bribe the cops? How about you fucking educate your workers not to accept bribes instead. Instead of buying medals to commend cops that don’t take bribes, why don’t you buy a fucking clue.

I can’t emphasize enough how stupid it is to commend cops that don’t take bribes. Commendations are to be given to people that do something exceptional, something out of the ordinary. You don’t commend people for doing what they are supposed to do. Maybe they do admit, saying no to a RM200 bribe is something exceptional and out of the ordinary.

Today while I was reading the Star I came across an article. You can read the online article here http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2009/11/22/lifefocus/5133709&sec=lifefocus. Long story short the writer hopes that we put ourselves in the thief’s shoes.

I can tell you I don’t have to put myself in his shoes because I am in his shoes right now. And I know this guy, lets call him AkuPening, who is in BOTH his mother fucking shoes. We’re out of a job right now and like everybody else we have bills to pay. I’m not married and I don’t have kids. AkuPening has 2 kids and an entire family to feed. On top of that we’re getting fucked by the system. How we’re getting fucked by the system, well that’s another story for another day. That story would be appropriate if AkuPening told it.

Even though we’re using his fucking shoes right now, it doesn’t mean we will walk his walk, again. The key word here is AGAIN. Oh yes, we are a fucked up bunch. If we’re up to no good, we will fuck you up. How fucked up are we? That is a story that we will probably never tell.

So I say this, no matter how fucked up a person is or how desperate a person is crime is not the answer. Minor or not, crime is crime. Two rights out of three does not make a criminal innocent. Everybody has problems, what makes a persons problem bigger than the other persons? I don’t have a high salary job because I didn’t study hard enough in school. I don’t have a job right now cause I’m a lazy fuck. Who can I blame if not myself? Sure I could go out on a reign of terror. In a day we can a thousand or even two thousand preying on women and old people. Work only three days a month and it pays better than a real job.

We don’t give a fuck, we’re ruthless. We’ll even fuck kids up. Check out this conversation I had with Clitoris Clinton, he was 15 when he got mugged. I’m a firm believer that if I’m to be bad, I will be bad to the bone. No point being half bad. Have you ever met a robber that will only take 100 bucks from you and return you the balance? And maybe say something like “I just need 100 bucks so my kid can see the doctor cause he’s sick. I’m really sorry ok, here is your watch, hand phone and balance of the money”. You won’t see a thief robbing the drugs from a drug bust from the evidence room with guns a blazing. He know he gonna get fucked.

I’m just saying this from my stand point of view. If I were bad, I would be really bad. You can almost expect the same from almost every robber or snatch theif. There various organizations and bodies and shit to help people in need of help. Criminal activities is not one of them. In times of trouble maybe that snatch theft should have turned to religion instead. I’m sure if he was part of a religious group there will be people willing to help him. Whether he is a Muslim, Christian or Buddhist or whatever.

An interesting question would be, what would happen if the lady (that killed the snatch theft) lost control of her car, crashed into a wall and killed herself instead? I’m willing to bet the RM2.50 I have right now that he would escape scot free. Snatch theft is the ideal occupation for “I need money to feed my family cause I lost my job” because its easy money and its easy to escape. How many cases were reported and how many were solved? How do you catch a guy that’s wearing a full face helmet with fake license plates? We don’t live in Gotham City, Batman is not on the building above us ready to swoop down and kick his ass.

It was unfortunate that he was killed. It will be even more unfortunate if she is charged with homicide. You read a lot of news nowadays about the police shooting robbers dead and shit. People say our cops are trigger happy. But ask any criminal, once they go down that path they are ready to get fucked one way or another. If they wanted a safe job, they would have got themselves a desk job.

If I get fucked doing something bad, serves me right. Whoever that gets fucked doing something bad, serves them right. Criminals just have to suck it up and take it like a man, just like all the silent victims out there. Too bad if the people feel that the death of the snatch theft was but a small victory in the game of Snatch Theft versus Defenceless Citizens. Snatch Theft is an act of cowardice, a scourge that plagues our streets.