Fawked Network

Never ever ever watch P.S. I Love You if you haven’t watched it yet. If you must watch it, either you watch it alone or don’t watch it. But some of you, like me, might get caught in a situation where your girlfriend wants to watch together.

P.S. I Love You wasn’t a really good movie but it wasn’t that bad either. I heard the book was really good, but good books do not necessarily make good movies, with the exception of Godfather.

The movie stars Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank. You may remember Gerard Butler from the movie 300. Remember those famous words, “THIS IS SPARTA!”? Well, that’s Gerard butler, only without the beard.

I have watched quite a few Gerard Butler movies and I kinda like the way he acts. Considering the amount and type movies that he’s getting right now, he’s quite the ladies man. Hilary Swank on the other hand is not one of my favourite actors, even though she looks like she has a nice rack.

Anyway, in P.S. I Love You Gerard Butler is married to Hilary Swank. After 10 minutes into the movie he dies. Two weeks later Hilary Swank receives the first of many letters from Gerard Butler. Before he died he wrote a bunch of letters and planned some activities for her. So the entire movie she will be receiving letters and going on trips and shit.

There is one part just after his funeral where Hilary Swank goes home to her empty apartment. This is scene where you guys MUST be very careful. Before she sleeps she calls her answering machine and Gerard Butler’s voice can be heard saying something. She kept on calling and calling so she can hear his voice until she falls asleep.

So I thought that was pretty stupid right and I said…

“Hey if I die, you won’t have to call the answering machine. I’ll make you a YouTube video so you can hear my voice and see my face!”

Holy crap man, that must be the dumbest shit I ever said. My girlfriend looked at me, eyes all swelled up and started crying hysterically. In between sobs she was hitting me and saying…

“HOW CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OH MY GOD ITS SO SAD! AND ITS SUCH A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY”

So guys, if you must watch this movie with your girlfriend, make sure you keep your mouth shut. Unless you want your girlfriend crying throughout the movie and mumbling how much of an ass you are.

I take back all the bad things I said about The Book of Eli. I take it all back. Alice in Wonderland wins hands down as the worst fucking movie ever made in the entire universe. I had to sit through 1 hour and 48 minutes of pure shit.

I don’t know what the fuck is up with Tim Burton, recently he makes shitty gray scale movies. Everything is dark and gothic. And it’s always starring Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Helena Bonham Carter starred in all 3 of his latest movies and Johnny Depp starred in the last 2.

The cinema was filled with kids, at least they enjoyed it thoroughly. The kids were always giggling and laughing and clapping when something good happened. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t because I was so pissed at the movie I wanted to rip my chair out to throw at the screen.

Johnny Depp played the Mad Hatter. He wasn’t very entertaining in the movie. Johnny Depp is a really good actor. I always enjoyed watching his characters. But in Alice in Wonderland, even Johnny Depp couldn’t save it.

Mia Wasikowska starred as Alice. She is not hot. She was boring. But then again, they even fucked up the movie’s only saviour; Anne Hathaway.

This is probably the first movie Anne Hathaway didn’t go nude. But even if she went nude looking like that, I wouldn’t be interested. That is actually a very flattering screen cap of Anne. She looks a lot worse in other scenes.

The only part that entertained me lasted only for about 15 seconds and that was Hatter’s Futterwaken dance. I have conveniently included the video here for you. Enjoy.

The Book of Eli is the shittiest movie Denzel Washington has ever starred in. The story line is so fucking bad that I think it was written by a 9 year old kid.

Seriously, the movie was so bad, I think the only movie worst than this was Bangkok Dangerous.

The movie is set in the future. A world war destroyed the ozone and the earth or some shit. Now USA is barren and water is scarce. I don’t know why but during the war, they destroyed all the Bibles.

Then some how, Mr. Denzel here has a copy of the King James Bible and he needs to head West. He doesn’t even know why he’s heading west, some little voice in his head told him to so he’s doing it.

The Book of Eli also stars Mila Kunis. Who is Mila Kunis you say? She’s that chick from That 70’s Show. For most of the movie she wears that shit.

Nothing much to look at. If you wanted to dress a hot chick like that in a movie you might as well use somebody that nobody cares about like Cher. I mean come on, the movie was shit and people paid money to watch the show. At least give the people their money’s worth and make Mila Kunis wear something sexy at least. Something like this…

Instead what the fuck we get? We get 10 minutes of Denzel Washington wiping himself. If that’s not enough we get to see his man tits. Great.

Denzel is a black guy and they shot that scene in the dark and he’s naked. So naturally you can’t see shit.

While Denzel was heading West, baddies were chasing after him cause they want the Bible. According to the baddies the Bible can be used to make people listen to him because they want to believe in God or something like that. The movie makes no fucking sense.

As they were heading west they reached a house owned by a hill billy and his wife. Soon after a gun fight breaks out and everybody dies. Denzel gets his ass shot but he doesn’t die cause God won’t have any of that shit. The baddies steal his Bible and his woman (Mila Kunis) that he wouldn’t have sex with even though she offered him cause after the apocalypse all the Viagra in the world were destroyed so he couldn’t get it up.

Denzel has been walking West for 30 fucking years. And when he just gets his ass shot, he walks another 15 minutes and he reaches his destination. He finds some guys that’s into the printing business. Because the baddies stole his Bible, he had to repeat every word of the Bible so they could re-print it. Then Denzel dies. The End.

The story line was so bad that some fat guy in front of me with a few packs of junk food couldn’t even keep himself awake. He was snoring all the way. You know it’s really bad when a fat dude rather sleep than eat his Cheesels.

A couple of months ago I found this movie called Twilight. I heard it was a Vampire versus Werewolf movie. At that time I was bored as hell so I thought how bad could it be right. I thought it was Vampires killing Werewolves and shit. How wrong was I. If you continue reading beware that there might be spoilers.

It’s not bad but it wasn’t that great either. Unlike most movies where the first movie is always the best, Twilight Saga: New Moon was slightly much better than Twilight. In New Moon there were slightly more action than the first part but with a little extra.

I can’t really say much about New Moon except that its a stupid love story. That’s it. It’s all the same with love stories. Two guys want a girl. One is a vampire and the other is a werewolf. History goes, vampires and werewolves are sworn enemies.

What I couldn’t stand in the movie was Taylor Lautner. He obviously spends like 20 hours a day in the gym buffing his shit up. But I didn’t think he needed to do every scene shirtless. Every time he came out shirtless the girls in the cinema would cheer like crazy.

For a Werewolf, he is pretty clean shaven. Of course in the movie Kristen Stewart goes for the Vampire Robert Pattinson. For a Vampire he’s pretty damn hairy. He’s not very masculine either, maybe its because they only suck animal blood and not human blood. So I guess he’s suffering from some form of malnourishment.

I wasn’t too happy with Twilight Saga: New Moon because they didn’t show much of Alice (Ashley Greene). Just to set the record straight I think Ashley Greene is much hotter than Kristen Stewart. I included a picture for your comparison.

In the movie Kristen Stewart keeps asking to be changed into a Vampire but Robert gives all sorts of fucking excuses like he doesn’t want her to be cursed and shit. I really think that he simply doesn’t want to have the same girl for the next thousand years. Who does right?

A couple of weeks ago a friend asked me if I believed the end of the world is coming in 2012. As far as I know, 2012 is a movie. If the story is interesting enough I’d listen to it. So I did and it sounded pretty believable. I haven’t watched the movie yet because it will only be released on the 12th of November 2009. So I have no idea what’s fiction and what’s not. Apparently this 2012 Doomsday business has been going on for some time now. Below is the trailer for the movie 2012.

So after listening to the story I went home and Googled, a lot. I found a lot of shit on the Internet. I’m no astronomer or weather man, I can’t even name the planets in our solar system in sequence. I’m going to post what I read on the Internet and you make the judgement yourself.

Long story short, there is a planet called Nibiru that’s further away than Pluto. Nibiru is also known as Planet X and Eris. Eris has an oblong orbit and every 3600 years Eris makes a complete cycle. Because of its oblong orbit, it is believed that in 2012 Eris will enter into the Earths orbit. And when that happens the weather is going to go into fucky-tub and the world as we know it will come to an end.

Fact

All this shit sounds a little bit far fetched to me. So I started reading more. Then I found something really disturbing. 11,800 years ago there was a drastic change in the Earths weather that killed every living thing on the planet most notably the mammoths. In the writings of Plato it is said that Atlantis sank at 9600 B.C which is equivalent to about 7200 years ago. Then if we go back 3600 years ago, ever heard of Noah and his Ark?

Many believe world ending major catastrophes will happen in the year 2012 because the Mayan long count calendar ends on the 12th December 2012. The Maya is a Mesoamerican civilization noted for their fully developed mathematical and astronomical systems. It is also worth stating that the Maya miraculously disappeared from the face of the Earth. It is still being debated till this day what happened to them.

Denial

NASA has of course denied that Eris exist. But as more and more people know about Eris and start looking to the skies there is no denying that Eris does exist. There was a telescope built in the South Pole to study Eris but of course NASA denied that too.

The location of Eris in Google Sky is at 5h 53m 27s, -6 10’ 58. But if you find your way there, this is all you will see.

Of course they say its a glitch in the system. A glitch that they conveniently weren’t able to fix for a very long time. Just to set the record straight I just took that screen cap 20 minutes ago.

If you see closely above you can see a black rectangle box covering the planet Eris. You can check that for yourself by going to www.google.com/sky then find your way to 5h 53m 27s, -6 10’ 58. You can also use Microsoft World Wide Telescope and there is that same black rectangle. I didn’t take a screen shot of Microsoft WWT because it sucked, I couldn’t remove those weird lines on it.

If you check out NASA’s home page they deny the existence of Eris or Nibiru or Planet X but Japanese Astronomers from the Kobe University claim that Planet X does exist.

Religion

There is a very interesting verse in the book of Revelations:

"And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star
from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the
third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters;
And the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third
part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the
waters, because they were made bitter."
Revelation 8:10-11, KJV

I don’t know what that verse means, you have to come to your own conclusion as to what it means. I hope that star isn’t Eris or Nibiru though.

Below is another video. Some parts of the video are relevant to 2012 and some not so relevant but still, some really interesting information.

Conclusion

Do I believe the end of the world is coming? I don’t really believe it. But if it happens it happens. What’s a better way to die than to get fucked by a giant wave?