Fawked Network

All I can say about Inglourious Basterds is wow. I totally expected it to be different than how it was. Rated at 88% on Rotten Tomatoes, I would say it’s worth every percent. Let me tell you what this movie is not.

• IT IS NOT an action packed war movie
• IT IS NOT an action packed war movie
• IT IS NOT an action packed war movie

• IT IS a 2 and a half hour movie of non stop talking
• IT IS a movie that only 10 out of a hundred would like

I expected the movie to be a war non stop action movie but I was so wrong. There were some action scenes but maybe about 20 minutes in total. The rest were conversations.

Inglourious Basterds is about a bunch of soldiers lead by Brad Pitt. They go into Nazi occupied France and opened a can of whoop ass on the Nazi’s.

Though its not an action packed movie, the conversations and the turn of events were very entertaining. Some parts were quite hilarious but some parts were too draggy even for me.

I love war movies and I especially love war movies based on World War 2. So if you think you know about World War 2, you can throw what you know out the window because Inglourious Basterds came up with their own version of how the war should have gone.

I can’t really say much without giving away the movie. So I would advice you to watch the movie if you like witty conversations. A person with a really really sick sense of humour is also advised to watch this movie.

Example of a person with a really really sick sense humour would be a person that laughs at another person getting his head clobbered with a baseball bat. There were a couple of scenes in the movie where I was the only guy laughing my ass off.

Tucker Max is the ultimate asshole. His blog inspired me to be a total asshole I am today. Now he even has his own movie. Check out his blog at www.tuckermax.com and his movie trailer below. After you read his shit, you just want to be like him.

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is definitely for kids. I didn’t enjoy the cartoon one bit. Maybe a little. It’s definitely not a movie for grown ups. The guy sitting in front of me brought his whole family out to watch. His kids were pretty quiet throughout the cartoon but he was fast asleep. I myself almost fell asleep. Sorry guys, but this is a cartoon your girlfriends/wife and kids would love to watch. With a rating of 85% from Rotten Tomatoes, I’m beginning to believe that they are biased towards cartoons.

A couple of weeks back at the cinema they had these promo cards for the public. You could take as many as you wanted. Apparently if you scratch the food in the picture and you smell it, it smells like the food! Oh wow!

But guess what, it smells like fucking ass! Seriously, the meatball doesn’t smell like meatballs. They smell like sweaty cow balls. Not like I smelled cow balls before… But I bet it stinks. The only real thing in the picture that smells like what it’s suppose to smell is that rotten fish at the bottom of the card.

Even though the storyline wasn’t that great, the animation was awesome. Certain scenes were so real I actually thought it was real and not animation. But the rest of the cartoon can be summed up in a few words and a few pictures. So if you plan on watching it, don’t read any further.

This is Flint. Flint is an inventor. He invents crap. He lives in a a small fishing town. The town specializes in sardines. One day the world decided that sardines were no good anymore. Because the major income of the town was cut and they had a lot of unsold sardines, they had no choice but to eat their own sardines for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper.

This here is Flint’s dad. He is the only guy in the town with conjoining eyebrows that hid his eyes. He also has a hell of a moustache. I think he used to act in porno films, because of the moustache and all.

One day Flint decided to save the town by building a machine that changes water into food. Something went terribly wrong and the machine shot up into the sky and it started raining food.

This is Sam. She’s a reporter. Flint has the hots for her. Background you can see drumsticks falling from the sky. Everybody is all happy because they don’t have to eat their sardines anymore.

That’s Sam again. The camera man is Manny, her Guatemalan cameraman. Manny is a doctor back at his country but he came to the USA for a better living. But Guatemalan doctors must be shit, cause all he could do was be a camera man.

This is the garbage truck. The garbage truck picks up the food that nobody eats. At least the message for the kids is keep your neighbourhood clean, but it’s ok to waste food.

The guy on the left is George Clooney and the guy on the right is Sylvester Stalone. George Clooney eats too much and becomes a fat guy and Sylvester Stalone dresses up like a chicken.

I’m too tired to continue. If you want to know what happens in the end you just have to watch the movie for yourself. But before I forget. Let me introduce to you:

The only black family in the cartoon. I guess they thought it would be racist if the only thing brown in the movie were the chocolates. How nice of the producers to include a black family in the cartoon. And to top it off, they even gave the black cop super powers. He could jump around and do stunts and shit. He was like a black Jackie Chan. It would only be fair to have a super black actor be the voice of the super black cop. And that super black actor is no other than:

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MR T! MR T is one bad ass mother fucker. Nobody fucks with him. He will kill you. Look at the amount of gold plated shit he got on. He is the original gangsta. He got more bling bling than all the rappers combined.

Since I’m no genius or an inventor. I’m planning to write and produce a movie in the very near future. I suspect it would be a real big hit. I will get the biggest stars to act in it. So far I have created my movie title and the poster. Enjoy.

← SHOW SPOILER →

The movie would be about a guy that invented a machine that rained Babes! Will be staring Megan Fox (Babe on the left), Eva Mendes (Babe in the middle) and Eva Greene (Babe on the right).

When I watched Beyond a Reasonable Doubt it was not ranked at Rotten Tomatoes yet. Either that or it was ranked 0%. The movie started really good. I was really enjoying myself thoroughly. It had everything to be a very good movie. Somehow it felt like watching Gone Baby Gone ( a very very good movie). But I was oh so wrong.

If I were to give this movie a rating of 10 I would give it an 8 for the first 1 hour 20 minutes. For the last 15 minutes I would rate it a negative four billion nine hundred thousand and fifty two. That was how bad the ending was.

The movie starred Michael Douglas (we all know Michael Douglas), Amber Tamblyn (We don’t know her, she looks familiar but not famous) and Jesse Metcalfe (starred as John Tucker in John Tucker Must Die). You won’t really get to see much of Michael Douglas in this movie mainly because I think he’s really old and he doesn’t have much energy to act. I wouldn’t blame the man, he’s married to Catherine Zeta Jones.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt is about an investigative report (Jesse Metcalfe) investigating the DA’s office for tampering with evidence to get convictions. In order to prove his point, Jesse frames himself in a murder. He did it in such a way that the evidence was not enough to convict him forcing Michael to tamper with the evidence. Bla bla bla.

Now imagine this. Imagine Beyond a Reasonable Doubt as a really really hot and sexy lady (or man if you prefer). And you’re having sex for the first time (it’s always better the first time). The sex is so fucking good, you just can’t stop smiling. Then just before you’re about to climax, she farts. Really loud. Really fucking smelly. Not once but twice. Then she tells you, she used to be a man…

That is how fucking bad the ending was. It was awesome right till the end when it ended abruptly. Slight twist, but that’s all that is to it. A slight twist. I preferred Jesse Metcalfe in John Tucker Must Die. He should stick with those kinda movies. Amber should lose some weight and Michael should just stay home with Catherine. No spoiler for this review. Watching this movie is a spoiler on its own; it spoils your day.

Surrogates. The latest Bruce Willis movie. If I remember correctly the last movie I watch that he acted in was Die Hard 4.0. Die Hard was a super awesome movie. I enjoyed it thoroughly. But Surrogates… it was alright. I’ve seen worse. Rotten Tomatoes rating was 48% on Malaysia’s open day and today it’s down to 40%. I guess it would hover around 35% to 40%.

I’m not much of a robot-look-like-human movie fan. Terminator was alright. Surrogates didn’t really have a plot and it reminded me too much of the movie I, Robot.

I, Robot was slightly better than Surrogates. In I, Robot humans buy these slave like robots from a super huge corporation to do our deeds. In Surrogates humans buy robots that they can control to do their deeds.

Basically you hook up that fancy Star Trek thingy to your head like Mr. Bruce Willis up there and you just have to think what you want to do and the surrogate does it.

That’s Bruce’s  surrogate by the way. Blonde hair and cleaner looking too. I noticed in the movie he was quite expressionless because he wants to have sex with his wife but his wife wants him to fuck her surrogate instead.

His wife is played by the lovely Rosamund Pike. She is just so hot. That’s a surrogate by the way. The Rosamund Pike controlling that surrogate is fucking ugly so I don’t think I’ll post a picture of that. The black guy is Boris Kodjoe. He’s black but some how he has a Russian name… Anyway Boris plays Bruce’s Police captain.

Rosamund works as a plastic surgeon in the movie. And I literally mean a plastic surgeon. A surrogate could get whatever they want done, face lift, bigger nose, etc etc.

The chick is Bruce’s partner, Radha Mitchell. Another hotty. Not as hot as Rosamund Pike though. In the picture above they are investigating a murder. Some evil dude has this plasma like gun that looks like a barcode scanner that fries up a surrogates microchip and kills the controller as well.

So the movie is about Bruce trying to solve the mystery as to who the murderer is. The plot is a little bit too simple. I felt the story writer put too much effort trying to make the movie different than I, Robot. So much so Surrogates became a sloppy “catch the killer” movie. The story line moved too fast and not much of a plot.

The movie ended up like that lady on the right. She ran out of battery half way so she’s docking at one of the many “Quickvolt” docking booths along the street to recharge. The difference with the movie was it failed to recharge my excitement.

I just thought I’d include that guys picture in here. He doesn’t use a surrogate. They call non surrogate users Meat Bags. But looks more like a Meat Ball to me. Anyway he can’t use a surrogate cause they didn’t have surrogates for his size. It would cost too much to make a surrogate that big.

If you don’t want to know what happen in the end then your read stops here. Continue if you want to know what happens in the end. But you can already guess what happens in most sloppy catch-the-killer movies.

← SHOW SPOILER →

The killer is actually the fat guy. He’s pissed everybody has a hot surrogate. He is angry because once he tried to fuck a hot surrogate chick and he got electrocuted and all his pubes fell off. That’s why he keeps that pubic looking goatee to remind him how it feels like to have pubic hair.

In the end Bruce Willis finds out the truth. Kills the bad guy and saves the day. After that he disconnected all the surrogates from their users. Then for the next 15 minutes you get to watch the disabled surrogates fall to the ground around the world.

Thats Rosamund disabled…

After watching that movie it got me thinking. What if we have this technology in the future? It would be totally screwed up. I think I would prefer to be in the flesh when I do stuff especially while fucking? Anyway if everybody got one I want one too. And I know perfectly how I want my surrogate to be. I want mine to look like that:

← SHOW SPOILER →

I’m balding so its only natural that I choose a bald surrogate. If you’re wondering who that chick is, that’s Olga Kurylenko. I’ll use her as my surrogate maid. Olga is hotter than Rosamund by the way.