Kids nowadays are getting more and more fucked up. And why is that? It is because of their upbringing. A fucked up family leads to a fucked up kid, with the exception of me of course. I came from a church going, good family, but I ended up a fucked up kid anyway. I suspect I was adopted…

Anyway, I read this news article over lunch just now. You can check it out here. Gangs are always going to be around. Always. Period. They have been around since forever. There are various forms of gangs. Illegal gangs and legal gangs. Legal gangs being political parties.

In that Star article they mentioned the “triads” terrorising the school and neighbourhood were gang 08, 21 and 36. It’s funny when people want to play reporter and report inaccurate news. For the benefit of those that can’t tell the difference, the word Triad is associated with Chinese gangs.

So my first impression when I read the article was, “wow damn Triads terrorising schools, those Chinese bastards!” Then as I read on, they mentioned gang 08, 21 and 36. I was like “what the fuck”. Everybody knows 08 is the gang of the infamous Kalimuthu a.k.a Bentong Kali. I don’t want to be a racist or anything like that, but I don’t think Kalimuthu was a fucking Chinese.

When reporting, the fucking reporters should do some research instead of using big words and getting it all wrong. God knows how many people read that article and went like “goddamn those Chinese mother fucking triads”.

You don’t hear people saying, “Hey I’m from the Mexican Triad” do you? “Gang” is the universal word, “Triad” is not. Get it right.

I read in the news paper today some idiot said we should castrate men that cause unwanted pregnancies. He also went on to say rapists should be castrated. I agree that rapist should get heavier punishments. Again and again I have emphasized that rapists should get the death penalty.

However, I don’t agree that men should be castrated for unwanted pregnancies if the sex were consensual. Women like to fuck just as much as men, cause if it wasn’t consensual then it would be rape, no? The guy that said men should be castrated is a man but he speaks like he’s some lesbian women’s activist.

Some kids are gonna fuck. Whether they get a proper education or not, if they want to fuck and if they get a chance to fuck, they are gonna fuck. We can sit there pretending that if we ignore this problem and hope we educate and love the kids enough they won’t fuck, well people, you all are so dead wrong. A good way to stop unwanted pregnancies would be to introduce and give out free condoms to teenagers.

But no, its wrong. In every religion its wrong to fuck before marriage. By giving condoms to people, we are encouraging them to fuck? Saying that it’s ok to fuck? Lets be realistic. Condom or no condom, people are gonna fuck one way or another. And every guy out there thinks he’s a cowboy. Son, you can draw your dick fast enough ok, it only happens in porno.

I’ve been an asshole all my life and I will continue to be an asshole. But its about time I gave something back to the community. I’m going to rid this country of unwanted pregnancies. So I will be selling quality Durex Condoms online.

People don’t buy condoms  because they are ashamed of getting caught buying them. So, buy it from me. It’s going to be more expensive that’s for sure, but that’s the price of privacy. Basically anything you want from the pharmacy that you are too shy to buy yourself, I’ll get it for you and send it to you by post or DHL if you want it fast.

If anyone noticed, I’m no fan of our police. But I have to say, I was reading the papers just now and 4 cops shot dead a 15 year old kid. Kid rams into cops, tried to run from cops, cops fired at car tires and hits one of the kids and he dies. Cops find a machete of some sort in the car. I don’t understand how they were aiming for the tires and they managed to hit the kid, maybe the kid was hanging on to the wheel of the car? Normally I would say the cops planted the weapon, but if the kids were planning to rob somebody they deserved what happened. Yea hate me, I don’t give a fuck.

Then as I flipped through the pages an article regarding the death sentence caught my attention. I’m two hundred and fifty three percent pro death penalty. The article mentions that some guy (I can’t remember his name) wants the death penalty abolished. Why the fuck would he want the death penalty abolished? The death penalty keeps the hardcore criminals in check. They would have to think twice before they decide to kill somebody or stuffing their ass full of dope before crossing the border into our country.

Activists argue that the death penalty is uncivilised and cruel and shit. I say the death penalty is not strong enough. We only hang drug dealers and killers. Nowadays you notice even killers escape the gallows. If I was the man to decide, I would give the death penalty to rapist and tree huggers.

The article goes on to say that the number of death row in mates are in the 100’s and they wait years to get hanged. Does that pose as a problem? Death row in mates are normally isolated from the rest of the prison population so instead of housing 50 in mates in a cell, they can only house 1 death row in mate. That causes over population.

How do we solve this? Abolish death row? That’s a dumb ass solution. Cause then wouldn’t it be even more populated if we were to keep these useless sons of bitches? My solution would be to quicken the death sentence. The moment he’s found guilty, bam, hang him in the next 2 hours. Every court case would be like an episode of Wheel of Fortune, substitute bankrupt with Death.

What possible good can come out of keeping hardcore criminals in jails? I know a few guys that’s been to jail. And according to them drug dealers make a bomb in jail. Take a tooth paste cap for an example. On the streets a cap of dope would cost around RM10 to RM20. In the joint, that cap would cost RM100.  What else could you do in jail if not get high? Going to jail is like getting your dream job, they make more money than any of us.

I love watching National Geographic’s Lockdown series. It’s about all the jails in America. If they have 2 things in common in their jails are fights and shot callers serving multiple life sentences in jail. They isolate these shot callers and yet they still manage to run their criminal organization from solitary confinement. No matter how secure a jail is, the criminals always find a way to get the message in and out of the jail. Because the jailers won’t admit the crooks are smarter than they are and cause of that, innocent people are getting hurt on the outside. A solution would be to execute these mother fuckers. It would piss a few activists, but at least it will make the world a safer place.

Then after that I saw a full page dedicated to the Proton R3 Rally team. I was in a state of what the fuck. Just what the fuck is the congratulations for? For not finishing the race? Alistair McRae could have finished the race in a good position but his car fucked up. The other car couldn’t even start cause some mechanical thingy fucked up. So what is the congratulations for? Those that have driven a Proton will know just how fucking shitty Proton cars are.

Since buying over Lotus, Proton cars are always associated with Lotus. When they acquired Lotus I’m sure the intention was to make Proton cars as good as Lotus cars. But just watch and see how fast they will fuck up Lotus and make shit boxes on four wheels.

I was reading the papers just now over lunch and the Two Cops Commended For Saying No To Bribery news caught my attention. It is not the first time we have seen news like that. I don’t know how you feel about reading that sort of news. I get pissed off when I read shit like that. Why?

Why should we commend cops for not taking bribes? Isn’t it their job to not take bribes? Commending cops for not taking bribe is only publicly admitting that cops do take bribes. The have not done it once but several times. This time I’m really pissed. No offense to the 2 coppers for not taking bribes by the way. Cops should be commended for making arrest, not for saying no to bribes. If we commend cops for saying no to bribery then

I should get commended for every day I don’t use the word fuck

I don’t know what’s the deal with the newspapers nowadays, reporting useless and embarrassing shit. Commending 2 cops for not taking bribes is just plain embarrassing. It just shows how corrupted the police are that you have to praise the honest ones. And how often do they get praised? 2 or 3 times a year, so we only have 4 or 6 honest cops. Hey, I didn’t say the cops were corrupted. They admitted it themselves when they commended 2 cops for not taking bribes.

If I were a cop would I take bribes? Sure I would. But that’s me. I don’t give a fuck if it was under table money or above the table money. Money is money. But would I give a bribe? No I would not. Have I given a bribe before? Yes I have. But it was not because I wanted to, it was because I was naive and I was extorted not on 1 occasion but on several occasions. For those of you that don’t know how to initiate the bribe conversation this is how you do it:

Police: Ah chai, you tak pakai seat belt ah (you never use your seat belt)

Offender: Oh ya kah? (oh really?)

Police: IC lisen mari (give me your license and identity card)

Offender: ok…

Police: sekarang nak tulis saman ah (I’m going to write the summon now)

Basically the above line is rubbish. Why don’t you get to the fucking point? Write the fucking summon, you don’t have to tell me or whoever that you are writing the summon. But anyway after he says that you have a few options:

1. Boleh settle? (Can settle?)

2. Boleh bagi can? (Can give me a chance?)

After saying one of the above you will get the following:

1. Berapa you mau settle? (How much can you pay to settle?)

Then you negotiate how much to pay. In my 12 years of driving I have only been summoned once for not wearing a seat belt. And I can tell you it was done in less than 4 minutes. He came over, told me what I did wrong, took my IC and license and wrote me a summon all in under 4 minutes and 12 words. This is what he said:

Police: You didn’t wear your seat belt, IC and license please.

Fawked: …

Police: Thank you (after handing me my summon)

That was the only fucking time I made a mistake, it was only because I just came out of my customers shop and I wanted to drive less than a kilometre away to my next customer. I have never been given a ticket for speeding or some other shit.

When I just got my license at the age of 17 I was caught for all kinda horrendous shit. Sure, at that age you could bullshit me to part with my money. Here are all of the times I got my ass extorted:

Case 1: I was accused for driving without without wearing shoes. I was driving barefooted, apparently it was an offense so big they could haul my ass to jail. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 2: Accused of having a bald car tire. Bribe paid: RM30

Case 3: Riding a bike without wearing a helmet. Normally if you ride a bike without a helmet you deserve to get fucked. But we just came out of the cyber cafe, hopped on the bike and rode a distance of 50 metres to the restaurant. 50 FUCKING METRES. It wasn’t even a main road, it was a back alley. What the fuck is the cops doing manning a road block in the back alley? Catch speeding rats? Paid RM1 for ever meter we went cause he charged us RM50.

The best story would have to be this one Chinese New Year. My buddy Bullet and I wanted to go buy some liquor. We went on his motorbike. Bullet made an illegal u-turn then a traffic copper on those 500cc bikes chased after us. The conversation:

Police: You made an illegal u-turn

Bullet: Yea

Police: I know it’s Chinese New Year and I don’t really want to summon you

Bullet: ok… so will you give me a chance?

Police: But I can’t really give you a chance, you made an illegal u-turn its dangerous.

Bullet: Can settle?

Police: How much you can pay?

Bullet: How much you want?

Police: RM50

Bullet: We don’t have money we are just kids. (we were 17 then)

Police: Then how much?

Bullet: RM20 can?

That was when he said something so fucking funny and stupid that we will remember for the rest of our lives and I want to share it with all of you. This is what he said:

← SHOW SPOILER →

Seriously that was what he said. That was not the end of the story. We settle for RM40, the asshole wouldn’t lower the price cause he knew it was Chinese New Year and we had ang pow money. We lied we didn’t have money but we were each carrying about RM500 in RM50 notes. Bullet asked me to pay for it and I asked him to pay. It was funny really, we told the cop we didn’t have money. So we couldn’t possibly give him RM50 and ask for RM10 change from him. Luckily Bullet had RM20 and I have RM20 so we paid the copper the RM40.

Then get this, after he gets his money he says thank you and whistles, get on his bike and makes a u-turn. Because he stopped us on a 1 way street, he made a fucking u-turn and went against traffic. Now what the fuck is that? The cops are above the law? That’s not dangerous?

Nowadays I’m much older, and the cops know it too. They can’t trick me. If I didn’t do anything wrong they can’t come up with lame excuses to extort from me. But maybe the cops are just much better nowadays. Maybe. I will never ever give a bribe. If I did something wrong I would rather face the consequences. I’m not going to part with my money.

All those anti-bribery sticker on the patrol cars and anti bribery button badges, its all stupid and a waste of money. What’s the benefit of it? To educate the public not to bribe the cops? How about you fucking educate your workers not to accept bribes instead. Instead of buying medals to commend cops that don’t take bribes, why don’t you buy a fucking clue.

I can’t emphasize enough how stupid it is to commend cops that don’t take bribes. Commendations are to be given to people that do something exceptional, something out of the ordinary. You don’t commend people for doing what they are supposed to do. Maybe they do admit, saying no to a RM200 bribe is something exceptional and out of the ordinary.